Friendship

Were you popular in high school? I wasn't. Not even a little bit. I knew everyone, including the popular kids, and I was friendly with everyone, but I wasn't in the "in" crowd.

I did have some very good, close friends that I spent most of my time with. We'd shop, got to movies, hang out. I always had people to spend my time with. The thing that I know about me though, is that those people change periodically. I'm still facebook friends with my closest friends from high school, but that's it really.

The reason I bring this up is that I was talking with a friend yesterday and he was sharing that a lot of relationships seem to be falling out of his life. And this concerned him. I thought to myself, he's more like my sisters - who still talk with their best friends from 4th grade, on a fairly regular basis.

For whatever reason, this hasn't been the types of relationships I've built. I will say however, that in the last 5-6 years I've built more lasting relationships than ever before in my life. And maybe part of that is that I finally have a better sense of who I am.

I think that's part of what occurs in marriages where the couple divorces. As life moves forward, people change in different ways, and if they are changing in ways that push them away from each other, it's difficult, if not impossible for the relationship to survive. And that's what I feel happened all those years with my friendships. I was changing in different ways and the people in the relationships with me were changing in other ways, or not changing, so the relationship just fell to the wayside. After a time, I just realized that was how my life was and it was okay for me.

I want to share now that I love all my friends, old and new, talking to them and not talking to them. I just feel like things are so fluid in life and my job is to figure out how to go with the flow. And if the flow I'm in doesn't work for me, I get to find a different flow (sometimes that means different friends).

Trust

I had neglected to trust myself this morning and blog right when I got on the computer. Instead, I checked all my email accounts, went on Facebook and checked out every one's status...So when I finally got here to blog, I had no idea what to write.

I wrote about that, which lead to another idea and another. I was feeling really good about all the stuff I was writing today and then I lost it all! My hope that it was just hidden in another window was merely a dream.

So, now I start again...

Okay, I just remembered that I'd promised to tell you how the "love everyone" thing went for me yesterday. I felt pretty good about it most of the day. The evening was a different story. At the end of the day I rate myself for the whole day: 1 - poor, 2 - good, 3 - very good, 4 - excellent. If I'd rated myself at 3:30 in the afternoon it would have been a 3, close to a 3.5. Then homework hit...At homework time I'm thinking about dinner, the hubby coming home from work, anything else going on that night and so my attention is not centered on one thing. I'm kind of a little spastic, actually. And my son, who requires the most attention at homework time, doesn't do well with a spastic mom, even though I really want him to just get past that. So, at the end of the day, I gave myself a 2 and realized that homework time has to be a time that I am calm, peaceful and centered on one thing - homework. This teaches my son that in that moment he's more important than dinner, his dad coming home from work or whatever else might be going on that night. And I know that is so important for him to know - that reaffirms his self-worth so he knows the world is safe and he can trust himself.

So, I guess that was what this whole thing was about this morning. I trust me which teaches my son to trust himself.

Perspective

A man is walking in the woods, surrounded by thick trees, dense brush and limited sunlight filtering through the trees. He walks and walks with the scenery changing seemingly little on his path. The path ahead is filled with more trees and brush, just as the path he came from.

Another man is walking in an open meadow. The trees are behind him and he enjoys the sun warming his skin as he progresses. He can see much of the path ahead, yet the path is long and he can't see the end from this place.

A third man is standing high on the summit of a mountain. As he looks down he can see the thick trees at the base of the mountain and remembers how thick the trees were as he started his journey. As his gaze scans the mountain, he sees the open meadow and recalls the joy of feeling the sun as he continued his journey, finally out of the trees that so limited his sight. Now at the summit, he can see not only the mountain, but all that lies around the peak. The other mountains, valleys, towns and cities he can survey and knows that there is so much more to see and discover.

All three of these men are on the same mountain, but each sees something different because of where he's at. What's interesting is that even if there were six men climbing the mountain, two in each group, they would all see something different because of where they are standing.

That's the way our lives are - we see things from the place that we are standing, and sometimes it's difficult to see anything else. This is completely natural, I believe. However, this can create challenges in our lives because we live with other people. I've experienced this most in my closest relationships because I had this idea that since we are so important to one another we would be willing/able to put ourselves in the other persons shoes. (Sometimes, I think I'm so silly!)

What I just came to know is that it's so important for me to allow myself and others to have our own experiences and to love and honor all of the experiences. When I wanted someone else to see what I saw I wasn't honoring their experience - I was thinking that it was more important for them to see mine. Other times I thought that my experience was somehow wrong and I needed to change to see what the other person saw. The truth is, all of it is beautiful and amazing.

Think back to the three men on the mountain. Have you ever been surrounded by trees and brush? Can you recall how lovely nature is in that moment? Now, the open meadow, with the sun shining down - how amazing is that view? Next, see the view from the summit of the mountain - does it feel like you can see the whole world? No one would ever doubt the beauty of these places, yet with those in our lives, we do it all the time.

So, how do I remind myself that it's just perspective and that all the views are lovely? Do I find pictures to hang in my home? Or is it possible that as I look inside of me for peace that I will simply remember the truth - everything is beautiful!

Truth

Truth is a big deal in life. We teach our children to always tell the truth. We want to know the truth, we search for truth and we believe that the truth will make us happy. I'm not sure about all the rest, but the part about the truth making us happy is a bunch of baloney! I'm certainly not saying to go out any lie to everyone in your life, or even anyone in your life. I'm simply stating that truth won't make anyone any happier than anything else will. The idea to be happy is one that comes from inside each one of us and it's up to each of us to decide if we are willing to be happy, no matter what is going on outside of us.

Another interesting thing about the truth is that it keeps showing up in our lives until we embrace it. I've had this experience a lot. I'll come across an idea and think "hey, that's really cool." Then I'll move on with my life, often times forgetting about the really cool thing, until someone else brings it up to me, or I read it in a book, hear it in a story someone shares with me or even a song I might hear. I know that when I'm ready for a truth it will come into my life so much that I almost have to embrace it. It's pretty cool!

Now, here's a truth I'm wondering about...can two people be madly, passionately, deeply in love their whole lives? I attended a wedding recently and those were some of the vows they couple said to one another. It was actually a promise to be madly, passionately and deeply in love for the rest of their lives. I sat there, looking at the couple, knowing how much they truly love one another and how much they meant it in that moment, but wondering if it's really possible to do that. I love my husband deeply, more deeply now than I ever have before. And I'm sure that as our lives progress, I will love him even more deeply. I just don't know about the madly and passionately part...Am I just a cynic? Am I looking for problems where none exist?

I'm sure that so much of the madly and passionately is my issue. I realized the other day that I have picked almost all of my relationships in life because they have taught me huge life lessons. Many of these lessons have been challenging and difficult at times. I also realized that I've walked away from relationships that would have been much easier, knowing that if I'm not being pushed, I might not choose to learn.

So, maybe my truth is that people can be madly, passionately and deeply in love their whole lives. Maybe I get to be open to finding that in me. As I am madly, passionately and deeply in love with myself, it becomes much easier to feel that way about another person as well. So, rather than find fault in me, I find the beauty in who I am. And maybe that's the truth for all of us - to find the beauty in who we are...

Comfort

Something I've talked about but not often thought about is 'comfort foods'. Generally, they are those foods that remind us of childhood - being safe, protected, loved. And generally, we turn to comfort foods when we are feeling the opposite of all those things.

Food has been an opportunity for me to grow in my life. At various times, I've felt out of control - like life was just happening to me. When that happened, I would eat because I could control what went into my body. Another bonus was that I didn't focus so much on the emotions I was feeling because the discomfort of being so full required all of my attention. This was a vicious cycle in my life because then I would feel bad about how my body looked and felt, but then I'd again turn to food to dull my senses. The only time I was 'comfortable' while turning to 'comfort foods' was when I was putting the food in my mouth.

So, what makes 'comfort foods' so appealing? I believe it has to do with the fact that it reminds us of a simpler time. When I was a child, life was easy and effortless. I could run, play, dance, sing, sleep - whatever my heart desired in that moment. As an adult, life looks a lot different. I have my children that I am responsible for teaching. I have my home to care for. I have my husband to support. It seems like very little of my time is really mine and when I feel this way I want to find comfort, peace.

Probably the wisest thing for me to do now is determine what is causing me to feel dis-comfort and then make a change. But I'm not sure where or how to begin that...Part of me believes that if I just get through the rest of the summer I'll be okay. Once the kids are back in school I'll have more time each day to myself and I won't feel so drained/sad/over-whelmed. Another part of me knows that it won't go away if I don't address it. It may move to the back burner for a time, but it will still be there - waiting for me to handle.

I thought about finding a class of some sort, something for me to do each week that's mine. I didn't find any classes that interested me. What I'd like is something that stimulates my mind, that challenges me to think, stretch and grow. I'd also like it to be something that I can set aside when I need a break. My life challenges me all the time but I can never put it aside. Well, I don't feel like it would work very well if I put my life aside until I was ready to work on it again. I guess that since I haven't done that, I don't know for sure...

Maybe the only comfort here is knowing it's part of the journey. This is the life that I have chosen and there are bumps along the way. This path has roses, sunshine and the most amazing fragrance. It's also important to remember that there are thorns on the roses and the rain must come to water the plants that make it so beautiful here. I'm the one who decides if I'll curse the rain and the thorns or if I'll be grateful for the wonder that exists because of them.

When I look at life in that manner, I don't really want 'comfort foods' because I've found comfort in my life.

What Other People Think

How many times have we been told (or even said to someone else) "it doesn't matter what other people think"? Growing up I remember hearing it a lot and I'm sure I've said it to numerous people in my life. For the most part I've got a good grasp on the concept. Strangers on the street or acquaintances - whatever they may think doesn't matter to me. I'm grateful for this because it allows me a degree of peace and sanity in my life.

My hang up is the people I care about. Bit by bit, over the years, I've let go of a lot of these though. I absolutely love my parents and siblings. However, what they think about what I'm doing in my life isn't that important to me anymore. My biggest hurdle now is my kids and spouse. These are the people, the relationships, that I define myself by.

What I'm learning is that as I'm concerned about what these important people in my life think, I stop being me. I stop living my life and become worried, obsessed and even consumed with being okay in their minds. I realize that as I spend my time and energy trying to be what they want me to be I get all worked up into a frenzy (emotionally and sometimes physically) and whatever bit of peace I once had I've sent running away. Peace can't stay in an un-peaceful place. If I'm choosing to be worked up, I'm choosing to let my peace go. This is a HUGE realization for me.

It's important for me to clarify right now that I completely love my family. My husband and kids are the biggest part of my life and I am grateful beyond words for them. What I'm describing here is caring for them in a manner that works for all of us. I do my part to make there be peace and joy in our home and then I allow them to do their part to create the same. I am in charge of my life and I allow them to be in charge of theirs.

As with so many other things in my life, I'm working all of this out. It's a beautiful place to be. Knowing what I am able to control and what I'm not able to control. Knowing that I get to show my children by example how to be happy, peaceful and truly have joy in life.

Ultimatums and Expectations

About ten years ago I had a pretty profound realization about ultimatums - they never turn out the way you'd like. I'd thought that if I told someone "you better do this or I'm gonna do _____" (fill in the blank), then they would surely do what I wanted them to do. The truth is, that never happened. And so often what I was filling the blank in with something I didn't really want to do myself. So if it was my kids I was issuing the ultimatum to, they learned that I was full of hot air. I think at one point early on in parenthood I'd said something like "if you don't stop fighting, I'll pull the car over and make you two walk home!" Now, keep in mind my boys were somewhere around 3 & 4 years old at the time and we were miles away from home. Like I was really going to make them walk!

Anyway, this taught me a valuable lesson, only say what I'm REALLY committed to. I had to actually think before speaking to my kids and others. That was a pretty big shift! This change has really blessed my life in so many ways. My children know they can count on me because I say what I mean and I follow through. Others in my life have learned the same thing and I feel like my relationships are deeper and more meaningful than ever before. Pretty awesome!

Expectations...this is a big one in my life. I have believed that if others know what to count on from me, it's perfectly reasonable that I expect things from them. It makes sense, doesn't it? The issue comes in because I was putting my expectations on them. They have never told me "you can count on me to do this." I just assumed that they would want to do what I want them to do. I mean, I want it so isn't that enough?

Turns out the answer to that question is no and my 2 year old is the one who taught me that. Most mornings we get up, have breakfast, get dressed, fix her hair and then head off to school (that's what we call daycare since her big brothers go to school too). This is pretty much the order it all goes in and it's easy. She knows what we do and she likes it. Today was very different. She didn't want to do much of anything. She did want to eat, and was okay getting her hair fixed but after that it was a struggle to do anything. She didn't want to let me pick her clothes but she didn't want to pick them either. Once we finally had clothes, she didn't want to put them on. I'm sitting on the floor attempting to coax her into doing what I want when I realized that I was getting upset because I had an expectation. I expected her to do what we always do and this morning that didn't work for her. Maybe today she wanted to wear her pajama's to school. Would the world end if a 2 year old wore pajamas all day? Probably not. So, I took a deep breath and relaxed. And here's the best part, once I relaxed - she got dressed and we were out the door.

I guess the lesson here for me is that as I let go of my desire to control other people and situations, I have peace and life moves forward - however it's supposed to look!

Being Special

Here's a funny thing about life. We all want to be special. That alone isn't funny. I think it's completely natural to have the desire to be special. The funny thing is that we also want to be normal. Normal and Special don't necessarily go together in my book. Special is somehow different from everybody else. And normal, well that's just exactly the same as everyone.

I remember as a kid I knew I wasn't really the same as everyone else in my classes. First off, I think I only ever had one other "Erika" in any of my school classes and she spelled her name with a "c" instead of a "k". Thankfully, I met that Erica early on in school so that I didn't feel completely alone.

To illustrate my point I'll share a story...I've got a sister named Olivia and her nickname as a child was Libby. Now, let me tell you that thirty years ago there weren't many Olivia's and certainly not a Libby to know - except my sister. The way I remember this all happening, this sister was VERY distraught over being so different from everyone else. There were like 6 Jenny's in her class, a few Stacy's and some Michelle's. No one had even heard of Olivia or Libby - she was different. But in 4th grade different doesn't mean special. Different means weird.

Since that time, this sister has grown into a beautiful, talented, wonderful woman who loves her name and knows it suits her well. And interestingly enough, there are Olivia's, Libby's and even Livy's all over the place now.

So, how do I tell myself, and my children, that different is special and wonderful and amazing? How do I get rid of the desire to be the same as everyone else? How do I know in my heart that sticking out is the best gift in the world because it proves how special I am?

All these questions are finding answers in my daily life. I know that so much of what I chose is different than my family and friends. I know that I am what some might call an 'odd duck'. I also know that I am living my life in the manner that works for me. I am teaching my children with love and as much patience as I can manage in each moment. And I'm able to do this because I'm choosing to be my special. My special isn't about getting someone else's approval. My special is special because of me.

The other important thing for me to remember is that just because it works for me doesn't mean it will work for anyone else. Chances are it won't ever work for someone else because it was created for my life, for me and my experiences. So, with this knowledge, I have the opportunity to love myself, my life and my choices. I also have the opportunity to love everyone else - because they are special too. Their special may look different and sound different than mine and that's wonderful because that emphasizes just how special each one of us is!

Finding Zen

Zen...I always think of Zen as being peace and tranquility - the ultimate relaxation. I also always feel like it's constantly out of my reach. How can a person who has a life (and by that I mean ANYONE who lives their life in the modern world) also have Zen?

This is something that seems to be easier for me to coach people on than it is to see for myself. Yesterday I was able to visit for quite a while with a friend who has some major decisions coming up in her life. She's currently separated from her husband and isn't positive what direction to take. Thus far she's been able to kind of put it all on hold while he's going to school in a different state, but soon he'll have a break from classes and wants to spend time with her. As we spoke, she was all spun up about how to tell him she might want a divorce, or never see him again, and what if he said this or did that...Finally, when she took a breath, I suggested that she take a few deep breaths (in and out) and really think about it all. Could she control what he says or does? Is he there right now for this conversation to even be taking place? Even if he was there right now, does she have to talk to him? Or could she turn around and walk away?

I realized that this is what I do so much of my life. I think about what is going to happen at some point in the future and then I spend my present moment worrying or planning for something that may or may not ever happen. Now, this would be the good side of how I spend my time. The reverse is also true. Oftentimes, I have difficulty letting go of things that have already happened. I replay in my mind what I said or did. Where I was standing and how someone looked at me and what I thought that look meant; combining that with what they said and the inflection in their voice tells me exactly what they think about me and then I go off into defending myself from perceived attacks so that next time I'm around them I can be totally ready to give them a piece of my mind!

I'm not enjoying my current situation because I'm refusing to live in it.

So, what if Zen isn't about living in the wilderness, all alone, no television, radio, cell phone and internet? What if Zen is really about finding peace in myself? And what if the key to finding peace in me is about living in the moment? If I am really present (consciously aware) in my life each moment, I can know if I'm okay with what's being said by me and others. And if by chance someone does say something that doesn't work for me - I can talk to them about it. WOW! That might just change my entire life...that might be the real key to finding Zen.

Being Right

I highly doubt that I'm the only person in the world who wants to be right, but since I only have my life experience to draw from, that's what I'll talk about today.

Being right has been a HUGE part of my life. This was one of the ways that I could easily gauge how I was doing in life. At work, I knew I was successful by being right. And not that others couldn't be right too, but I for SURE had to be right. If there was a certain way to do things, rest assured that is the way I'd be doing them. That way, anyone who came around could see and know that I was right. But it didn't stop there. Anyone that had the pleasure of learning anything from me had to learn the 'right' way to do it. The way the table was set up, the manner in which to move their hands and, of course, a time frame to complete the task in. How else could a person measure their success?

I kind of looked at life like a math test at school. The answers were already lined out, the teacher had to have the answers to the test before the test was given to the students. It was possible for more than one student to get 100%. I didn't care if everybody got it right, but I for sure had better because that's how I knew I was okay.

So, I can see how in school, or even at a job, this could be a positive attribute. By having this desire and drive to work hard and to do things well, everyone can benefit. My hang up is in my relationships.

Relationships are quite a bit different when it comes to being right. See, each person has their own idea about what right is, based on their life experiences. How can my sister tell me I'm right when her information from her life tells her she's right? It just doesn't work that way...

Another issue with being right in relationships is that if one person is right, that means at least one other person is going to be wrong. I'm fairly certain that other people on this planet hate to be wrong almost as much as I do. I HATE to be wrong!!! It seems to go against the very fiber of my being. If I'm wrong it means that I didn't have all the information, something changed mid-stream, or heaven forbid!, I actually made a mistake. That is not my life - I refuse to play that way.

So, if I'm hell-bent on being right, all these people in my life have to be wrong time and time again. I'd really hate to be in relationship with me!

Now comes the part where I tell you how I've been able to let go of this desire to be right all the time in my life. Except I haven't really figured that one out yet. I'm in that process right now. The cool part is now I'm realizing how many times and all the different ways that this is impacting me. One of the things that just occurred to me this morning is that being right is crippling my body. My desire to be right is coming out in physical ailments that are challenging most days and even worse on some. What's exciting is that since I've had this realization, I can let go of it and put my energy to better use.

What's funny is that as I write this realization, I can feel my body responding positively to this idea. Where I'd been hurting just a few minutes ago, I'm not having that same discomfort...I'm thrilled at the effect I can have on my life. I guess if I want to look at it a certain way - this is truly the only way to be 'right'.

Stuck in the Rut

Picture an old dirt road...trucks, tractors, cars and wagons have been traveling down this stretch of road for decades and you can clearly see the path they've always taken. There's grass and weeds growing up on the side of the road and even in the 'island'. The path the wheels have traveled in is smooth and deep. Now, picture what this road looks like in a heavy storm...the wells in the road are running over with fast flowing water, the rocks that are hidden during the sunny days are now causing the water to roll and boil.

Imagine how difficult it would be to go down that road and not follow the exact same path. Is it even possible? Wouldn't your vehicle at least fall onto the path a few times - no matter how cautious you were? Consider crossing this road during a storm...The path that is difficult in good weather is practically impassable during the torrent.

This is one of the opportunities I've had in my life. How do I get off the path that I've used for so long with the people I love in my life? How do we create a new path together, one that will allow each of us to be our best selves?

I believe that it takes unwavering commitment from all parties involved. Creating a new path can be difficult when the old path is so close and it's so easy to slip back into it. Especially during a storm.

So, I've tethered myself to the new path. I've placed stakes to mark the new road, put up a rail to guide me and I've even wrapped a rope around waist and tied it it tightly to the rail. I'm pleased with my progress and yet there are still times that the road gets slippery and I slide right back into the rolling waters. Now is the most important time to be clear on my commitment and what it will ultimately create in my life. This is the moment when I pull myself out of the swift flowing waters and return to the spot that I know will keep me a little bit drier, the spot that will guide me safely to my destination. This is the time to dig deep inside myself for the energy and determination to do whatever it takes to get what it is that I truly desire.

This is a life experience I'm currently in the middle of so there's no neat, clean way to tie this all up. I'm not sure the outcome of this story. I don't have the ability to look back on it now to see how perfectly it all turned out or how it has blessed my life by having this chance to learn and grow. I'm confident that as I continue in my path that I will be able to do all those things, but for now I am moving forward with faith in myself, my life and my ability to create my life in the best possible manner.