Today

Today I'm moving slow. Really slow. Most days by this time I've picked up my house, worked out and then I sit down to write. Today is a different story. My house is in shambles, I'm still in my p.j.'s and I'm wondering what I could possibly write about today. I'm kinda feeling funky, and not the good, disco kind of funky.

I know that one of the things I've struggled with in my life is balance. I'm usually more of an all or nothing kind of girl. This is great a lot of the time, but at others it's not so great. I'm finding that the more I do the all or nothing thing, the less I feel at peace. It's important for me to do those things that I want, when I want to and also to remember that I've got to be me when whatever that thing is is over.

Here's the other thing I just realized. I'm kind of irritated with me for not being 'on' today. And of course when I'm irritated, I feel bad, and being irritated with me I feel even worse, which lends itself to feeling even funkier, and on and on it goes until I'm stuck in bed all day because I feel so bad about it all. I've done this before. So, I'm pretty excited to know that part of feeling bad is just that I'm feeling bad about me. And when I look at that and realize it's just for now, it's just an experience and it doesn't have to last forever, I already start to feel better! It's a miracle!

The key here for me is knowing that each day can be different, and I can be different each day. That's honoring who I am and how I feel. And I'm the one teaching others how to treat me by the way I treat myself. If I act like I always have to be the same, it's kind of silly for me to be upset if someone else says I can never change. WOW! This is such a great lesson for me to have today - I am so grateful to see it this way.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. Mentally, I'm at a place where I can see how I can move through my day and get things accomplished (which is quite different from about 20 minutes ago). I also know that I may not do all the same things I do most other days and it's okay. I will live and life on the planet will continue. How neat for me!

Perspective

A man is walking in the woods, surrounded by thick trees, dense brush and limited sunlight filtering through the trees. He walks and walks with the scenery changing seemingly little on his path. The path ahead is filled with more trees and brush, just as the path he came from.

Another man is walking in an open meadow. The trees are behind him and he enjoys the sun warming his skin as he progresses. He can see much of the path ahead, yet the path is long and he can't see the end from this place.

A third man is standing high on the summit of a mountain. As he looks down he can see the thick trees at the base of the mountain and remembers how thick the trees were as he started his journey. As his gaze scans the mountain, he sees the open meadow and recalls the joy of feeling the sun as he continued his journey, finally out of the trees that so limited his sight. Now at the summit, he can see not only the mountain, but all that lies around the peak. The other mountains, valleys, towns and cities he can survey and knows that there is so much more to see and discover.

All three of these men are on the same mountain, but each sees something different because of where he's at. What's interesting is that even if there were six men climbing the mountain, two in each group, they would all see something different because of where they are standing.

That's the way our lives are - we see things from the place that we are standing, and sometimes it's difficult to see anything else. This is completely natural, I believe. However, this can create challenges in our lives because we live with other people. I've experienced this most in my closest relationships because I had this idea that since we are so important to one another we would be willing/able to put ourselves in the other persons shoes. (Sometimes, I think I'm so silly!)

What I just came to know is that it's so important for me to allow myself and others to have our own experiences and to love and honor all of the experiences. When I wanted someone else to see what I saw I wasn't honoring their experience - I was thinking that it was more important for them to see mine. Other times I thought that my experience was somehow wrong and I needed to change to see what the other person saw. The truth is, all of it is beautiful and amazing.

Think back to the three men on the mountain. Have you ever been surrounded by trees and brush? Can you recall how lovely nature is in that moment? Now, the open meadow, with the sun shining down - how amazing is that view? Next, see the view from the summit of the mountain - does it feel like you can see the whole world? No one would ever doubt the beauty of these places, yet with those in our lives, we do it all the time.

So, how do I remind myself that it's just perspective and that all the views are lovely? Do I find pictures to hang in my home? Or is it possible that as I look inside of me for peace that I will simply remember the truth - everything is beautiful!

Getting What We Want

Isn't this the biggest dilemma in life? How do we get what it is we want? What do we have to do? Who do we have to be nice to? Where do we have to go? Many of us would give anything, do anything, just to know.

So, how do we figure it out? There are so many books, videos, lectures, seminars & the list goes on and on, that will tell you what someone else did to get what they wanted. The idea is that if we want what they wanted and do what they did then we'll somehow get what we want or at the very least what the other person got. Right? And that's good enough, right?

My issue with this plan is that all the times in my life that I've done that - it hasn't worked for me. I don't get what I want and I certainly haven't gotten what someone else got. Or maybe I did, but since it wasn't what I wanted, I didn't like having it!

Now, I sit here wondering how to get what I want. I think I should make a plan. It's important to write things out so I know if I'm on the right path - that's what all the books/videos/lectures/seminars say. But what if that's not how it works for me. What if my way is different? What if I'm my own kind of special? Just like everyone else is their own kind of special...

What if part of the reason it's important for me to find my own way is so that I can encourage others to trust themselves as they set out on their path - that's different. I can tell you that the idea of being different from everyone else can be scary at times and I would love to have someone say "It's okay. You don't have to do it like everyone else. I didn't and it worked out really great for me. I'm right here with you if you have any doubts, I've got your back and I KNOW you can do it!"

So, I think I am that person for me. I get to be my own cheerleader. Tell myself what a great job I'm doing and to keep up the good work. I get to remind myself of all the things I've already done. All the joy, peace, inspiration and blessings I've already brought into my life. I get to KNOW I can do it and keep trusting myself to make it happen in the perfect time.

One more thing I'd like to share is that more and more I'm finding that what I want is really inside of me. What I want more than anything is peace and joy. All the other stuff is extra. I like extras - I think they're great, just not necessary. And honestly, peace and joy aren't necessary to live, but it sure makes it so much more worthwhile.

Comfort

Something I've talked about but not often thought about is 'comfort foods'. Generally, they are those foods that remind us of childhood - being safe, protected, loved. And generally, we turn to comfort foods when we are feeling the opposite of all those things.

Food has been an opportunity for me to grow in my life. At various times, I've felt out of control - like life was just happening to me. When that happened, I would eat because I could control what went into my body. Another bonus was that I didn't focus so much on the emotions I was feeling because the discomfort of being so full required all of my attention. This was a vicious cycle in my life because then I would feel bad about how my body looked and felt, but then I'd again turn to food to dull my senses. The only time I was 'comfortable' while turning to 'comfort foods' was when I was putting the food in my mouth.

So, what makes 'comfort foods' so appealing? I believe it has to do with the fact that it reminds us of a simpler time. When I was a child, life was easy and effortless. I could run, play, dance, sing, sleep - whatever my heart desired in that moment. As an adult, life looks a lot different. I have my children that I am responsible for teaching. I have my home to care for. I have my husband to support. It seems like very little of my time is really mine and when I feel this way I want to find comfort, peace.

Probably the wisest thing for me to do now is determine what is causing me to feel dis-comfort and then make a change. But I'm not sure where or how to begin that...Part of me believes that if I just get through the rest of the summer I'll be okay. Once the kids are back in school I'll have more time each day to myself and I won't feel so drained/sad/over-whelmed. Another part of me knows that it won't go away if I don't address it. It may move to the back burner for a time, but it will still be there - waiting for me to handle.

I thought about finding a class of some sort, something for me to do each week that's mine. I didn't find any classes that interested me. What I'd like is something that stimulates my mind, that challenges me to think, stretch and grow. I'd also like it to be something that I can set aside when I need a break. My life challenges me all the time but I can never put it aside. Well, I don't feel like it would work very well if I put my life aside until I was ready to work on it again. I guess that since I haven't done that, I don't know for sure...

Maybe the only comfort here is knowing it's part of the journey. This is the life that I have chosen and there are bumps along the way. This path has roses, sunshine and the most amazing fragrance. It's also important to remember that there are thorns on the roses and the rain must come to water the plants that make it so beautiful here. I'm the one who decides if I'll curse the rain and the thorns or if I'll be grateful for the wonder that exists because of them.

When I look at life in that manner, I don't really want 'comfort foods' because I've found comfort in my life.

Lessons

Previously I would have titled this "Trials". Thankfully, I've learned that words are very powerful in my life. The word "trial" even sounds hard to me. When I think of the word trial I will quickly go in my mind to a courtroom where the judge determines guilt or innocence. If it's my life that has a trial it's probably not due to my innocence...However, "lessons" are completely different. As a child we have all sorts of lessons: dance, piano, violin, school. School is our primary job as a child - we are supposed to spend our time learning lessons!

Somehow, I got the idea that once I was an adult I wouldn't be spending as much time on lessons and learning. The truth is, I don't spend very much time in a classroom environment. That doesn't mean I'm not learning.

Yesterday was challenging for me. My boys are out of school for a few more weeks of summer, my home is tiny right now (which is a blessing and a curse at times) and I've got a wonderful little girl who is all about being 2 right now, including all the back-talking, hitting and tantrums.

So, I realized just before my husband came home from work that I needed a break. I needed to have time by myself for me to do whatever I wanted. Last night, that meant that I left home, drove to Barnes & Noble and sat in the car. For an hour or more. I thought about getting out of the car and going into the store but I didn't really want to be around people and I didn't want to read. I needed to be alone with my thoughts to figure out what was going on with me.

Here's what I came up with. I LOVE being a mom and wife. I adore my family and I'm grateful each day for the blessings they are in my life. I am also a woman who has spent the majority of her adult life being completely independent. These two things don't really go together. And when I spend all my time as a mom and wife and completely neglect the other parts of who I am, I eventually get to the place I was last night. The place where I just want to run away. I know that I'll come back but I have to go and I have to go quickly.

Now I get to come up with some sort of a plan so that I don't do this anymore. I want to create a way so that I regularly get the break I need and if I'm starting to feel like running away I'll know that I have a break coming.

Here's a truth for me: I know that as I take care of me, I have greater joy in caring for those I love. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that when I do this I'm at peace. When I haven't taken care of me, I am the opposite of peaceful; I start to get resentful that I'm spending my time and energy on others and they aren't reciprocating. But the truth is I don't really want them to reciprocate, I just don't want to feel taken advantage of. I'm the only one who has any power or control over that. It's important for me to make sure I take care of me - especially since I'm the only one who really knows what it is that I want anyway.

What Other People Think

How many times have we been told (or even said to someone else) "it doesn't matter what other people think"? Growing up I remember hearing it a lot and I'm sure I've said it to numerous people in my life. For the most part I've got a good grasp on the concept. Strangers on the street or acquaintances - whatever they may think doesn't matter to me. I'm grateful for this because it allows me a degree of peace and sanity in my life.

My hang up is the people I care about. Bit by bit, over the years, I've let go of a lot of these though. I absolutely love my parents and siblings. However, what they think about what I'm doing in my life isn't that important to me anymore. My biggest hurdle now is my kids and spouse. These are the people, the relationships, that I define myself by.

What I'm learning is that as I'm concerned about what these important people in my life think, I stop being me. I stop living my life and become worried, obsessed and even consumed with being okay in their minds. I realize that as I spend my time and energy trying to be what they want me to be I get all worked up into a frenzy (emotionally and sometimes physically) and whatever bit of peace I once had I've sent running away. Peace can't stay in an un-peaceful place. If I'm choosing to be worked up, I'm choosing to let my peace go. This is a HUGE realization for me.

It's important for me to clarify right now that I completely love my family. My husband and kids are the biggest part of my life and I am grateful beyond words for them. What I'm describing here is caring for them in a manner that works for all of us. I do my part to make there be peace and joy in our home and then I allow them to do their part to create the same. I am in charge of my life and I allow them to be in charge of theirs.

As with so many other things in my life, I'm working all of this out. It's a beautiful place to be. Knowing what I am able to control and what I'm not able to control. Knowing that I get to show my children by example how to be happy, peaceful and truly have joy in life.

Ultimatums and Expectations

About ten years ago I had a pretty profound realization about ultimatums - they never turn out the way you'd like. I'd thought that if I told someone "you better do this or I'm gonna do _____" (fill in the blank), then they would surely do what I wanted them to do. The truth is, that never happened. And so often what I was filling the blank in with something I didn't really want to do myself. So if it was my kids I was issuing the ultimatum to, they learned that I was full of hot air. I think at one point early on in parenthood I'd said something like "if you don't stop fighting, I'll pull the car over and make you two walk home!" Now, keep in mind my boys were somewhere around 3 & 4 years old at the time and we were miles away from home. Like I was really going to make them walk!

Anyway, this taught me a valuable lesson, only say what I'm REALLY committed to. I had to actually think before speaking to my kids and others. That was a pretty big shift! This change has really blessed my life in so many ways. My children know they can count on me because I say what I mean and I follow through. Others in my life have learned the same thing and I feel like my relationships are deeper and more meaningful than ever before. Pretty awesome!

Expectations...this is a big one in my life. I have believed that if others know what to count on from me, it's perfectly reasonable that I expect things from them. It makes sense, doesn't it? The issue comes in because I was putting my expectations on them. They have never told me "you can count on me to do this." I just assumed that they would want to do what I want them to do. I mean, I want it so isn't that enough?

Turns out the answer to that question is no and my 2 year old is the one who taught me that. Most mornings we get up, have breakfast, get dressed, fix her hair and then head off to school (that's what we call daycare since her big brothers go to school too). This is pretty much the order it all goes in and it's easy. She knows what we do and she likes it. Today was very different. She didn't want to do much of anything. She did want to eat, and was okay getting her hair fixed but after that it was a struggle to do anything. She didn't want to let me pick her clothes but she didn't want to pick them either. Once we finally had clothes, she didn't want to put them on. I'm sitting on the floor attempting to coax her into doing what I want when I realized that I was getting upset because I had an expectation. I expected her to do what we always do and this morning that didn't work for her. Maybe today she wanted to wear her pajama's to school. Would the world end if a 2 year old wore pajamas all day? Probably not. So, I took a deep breath and relaxed. And here's the best part, once I relaxed - she got dressed and we were out the door.

I guess the lesson here for me is that as I let go of my desire to control other people and situations, I have peace and life moves forward - however it's supposed to look!

Finding Zen

Zen...I always think of Zen as being peace and tranquility - the ultimate relaxation. I also always feel like it's constantly out of my reach. How can a person who has a life (and by that I mean ANYONE who lives their life in the modern world) also have Zen?

This is something that seems to be easier for me to coach people on than it is to see for myself. Yesterday I was able to visit for quite a while with a friend who has some major decisions coming up in her life. She's currently separated from her husband and isn't positive what direction to take. Thus far she's been able to kind of put it all on hold while he's going to school in a different state, but soon he'll have a break from classes and wants to spend time with her. As we spoke, she was all spun up about how to tell him she might want a divorce, or never see him again, and what if he said this or did that...Finally, when she took a breath, I suggested that she take a few deep breaths (in and out) and really think about it all. Could she control what he says or does? Is he there right now for this conversation to even be taking place? Even if he was there right now, does she have to talk to him? Or could she turn around and walk away?

I realized that this is what I do so much of my life. I think about what is going to happen at some point in the future and then I spend my present moment worrying or planning for something that may or may not ever happen. Now, this would be the good side of how I spend my time. The reverse is also true. Oftentimes, I have difficulty letting go of things that have already happened. I replay in my mind what I said or did. Where I was standing and how someone looked at me and what I thought that look meant; combining that with what they said and the inflection in their voice tells me exactly what they think about me and then I go off into defending myself from perceived attacks so that next time I'm around them I can be totally ready to give them a piece of my mind!

I'm not enjoying my current situation because I'm refusing to live in it.

So, what if Zen isn't about living in the wilderness, all alone, no television, radio, cell phone and internet? What if Zen is really about finding peace in myself? And what if the key to finding peace in me is about living in the moment? If I am really present (consciously aware) in my life each moment, I can know if I'm okay with what's being said by me and others. And if by chance someone does say something that doesn't work for me - I can talk to them about it. WOW! That might just change my entire life...that might be the real key to finding Zen.