Lessons

Previously I would have titled this "Trials". Thankfully, I've learned that words are very powerful in my life. The word "trial" even sounds hard to me. When I think of the word trial I will quickly go in my mind to a courtroom where the judge determines guilt or innocence. If it's my life that has a trial it's probably not due to my innocence...However, "lessons" are completely different. As a child we have all sorts of lessons: dance, piano, violin, school. School is our primary job as a child - we are supposed to spend our time learning lessons!

Somehow, I got the idea that once I was an adult I wouldn't be spending as much time on lessons and learning. The truth is, I don't spend very much time in a classroom environment. That doesn't mean I'm not learning.

Yesterday was challenging for me. My boys are out of school for a few more weeks of summer, my home is tiny right now (which is a blessing and a curse at times) and I've got a wonderful little girl who is all about being 2 right now, including all the back-talking, hitting and tantrums.

So, I realized just before my husband came home from work that I needed a break. I needed to have time by myself for me to do whatever I wanted. Last night, that meant that I left home, drove to Barnes & Noble and sat in the car. For an hour or more. I thought about getting out of the car and going into the store but I didn't really want to be around people and I didn't want to read. I needed to be alone with my thoughts to figure out what was going on with me.

Here's what I came up with. I LOVE being a mom and wife. I adore my family and I'm grateful each day for the blessings they are in my life. I am also a woman who has spent the majority of her adult life being completely independent. These two things don't really go together. And when I spend all my time as a mom and wife and completely neglect the other parts of who I am, I eventually get to the place I was last night. The place where I just want to run away. I know that I'll come back but I have to go and I have to go quickly.

Now I get to come up with some sort of a plan so that I don't do this anymore. I want to create a way so that I regularly get the break I need and if I'm starting to feel like running away I'll know that I have a break coming.

Here's a truth for me: I know that as I take care of me, I have greater joy in caring for those I love. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that when I do this I'm at peace. When I haven't taken care of me, I am the opposite of peaceful; I start to get resentful that I'm spending my time and energy on others and they aren't reciprocating. But the truth is I don't really want them to reciprocate, I just don't want to feel taken advantage of. I'm the only one who has any power or control over that. It's important for me to make sure I take care of me - especially since I'm the only one who really knows what it is that I want anyway.