About ten years ago I had a pretty profound realization about ultimatums - they never turn out the way you'd like. I'd thought that if I told someone "you better do this or I'm gonna do _____" (fill in the blank), then they would surely do what I wanted them to do. The truth is, that never happened. And so often what I was filling the blank in with something I didn't really want to do myself. So if it was my kids I was issuing the ultimatum to, they learned that I was full of hot air. I think at one point early on in parenthood I'd said something like "if you don't stop fighting, I'll pull the car over and make you two walk home!" Now, keep in mind my boys were somewhere around 3 & 4 years old at the time and we were miles away from home. Like I was really going to make them walk!
Anyway, this taught me a valuable lesson, only say what I'm REALLY committed to. I had to actually think before speaking to my kids and others. That was a pretty big shift! This change has really blessed my life in so many ways. My children know they can count on me because I say what I mean and I follow through. Others in my life have learned the same thing and I feel like my relationships are deeper and more meaningful than ever before. Pretty awesome!
Expectations...this is a big one in my life. I have believed that if others know what to count on from me, it's perfectly reasonable that I expect things from them. It makes sense, doesn't it? The issue comes in because I was putting my expectations on them. They have never told me "you can count on me to do this." I just assumed that they would want to do what I want them to do. I mean, I want it so isn't that enough?
Turns out the answer to that question is no and my 2 year old is the one who taught me that. Most mornings we get up, have breakfast, get dressed, fix her hair and then head off to school (that's what we call daycare since her big brothers go to school too). This is pretty much the order it all goes in and it's easy. She knows what we do and she likes it. Today was very different. She didn't want to do much of anything. She did want to eat, and was okay getting her hair fixed but after that it was a struggle to do anything. She didn't want to let me pick her clothes but she didn't want to pick them either. Once we finally had clothes, she didn't want to put them on. I'm sitting on the floor attempting to coax her into doing what I want when I realized that I was getting upset because I had an expectation. I expected her to do what we always do and this morning that didn't work for her. Maybe today she wanted to wear her pajama's to school. Would the world end if a 2 year old wore pajamas all day? Probably not. So, I took a deep breath and relaxed. And here's the best part, once I relaxed - she got dressed and we were out the door.
I guess the lesson here for me is that as I let go of my desire to control other people and situations, I have peace and life moves forward - however it's supposed to look!
No comments:
Post a Comment