Truth

Truth is a big deal in life. We teach our children to always tell the truth. We want to know the truth, we search for truth and we believe that the truth will make us happy. I'm not sure about all the rest, but the part about the truth making us happy is a bunch of baloney! I'm certainly not saying to go out any lie to everyone in your life, or even anyone in your life. I'm simply stating that truth won't make anyone any happier than anything else will. The idea to be happy is one that comes from inside each one of us and it's up to each of us to decide if we are willing to be happy, no matter what is going on outside of us.

Another interesting thing about the truth is that it keeps showing up in our lives until we embrace it. I've had this experience a lot. I'll come across an idea and think "hey, that's really cool." Then I'll move on with my life, often times forgetting about the really cool thing, until someone else brings it up to me, or I read it in a book, hear it in a story someone shares with me or even a song I might hear. I know that when I'm ready for a truth it will come into my life so much that I almost have to embrace it. It's pretty cool!

Now, here's a truth I'm wondering about...can two people be madly, passionately, deeply in love their whole lives? I attended a wedding recently and those were some of the vows they couple said to one another. It was actually a promise to be madly, passionately and deeply in love for the rest of their lives. I sat there, looking at the couple, knowing how much they truly love one another and how much they meant it in that moment, but wondering if it's really possible to do that. I love my husband deeply, more deeply now than I ever have before. And I'm sure that as our lives progress, I will love him even more deeply. I just don't know about the madly and passionately part...Am I just a cynic? Am I looking for problems where none exist?

I'm sure that so much of the madly and passionately is my issue. I realized the other day that I have picked almost all of my relationships in life because they have taught me huge life lessons. Many of these lessons have been challenging and difficult at times. I also realized that I've walked away from relationships that would have been much easier, knowing that if I'm not being pushed, I might not choose to learn.

So, maybe my truth is that people can be madly, passionately and deeply in love their whole lives. Maybe I get to be open to finding that in me. As I am madly, passionately and deeply in love with myself, it becomes much easier to feel that way about another person as well. So, rather than find fault in me, I find the beauty in who I am. And maybe that's the truth for all of us - to find the beauty in who we are...

Lessons

Previously I would have titled this "Trials". Thankfully, I've learned that words are very powerful in my life. The word "trial" even sounds hard to me. When I think of the word trial I will quickly go in my mind to a courtroom where the judge determines guilt or innocence. If it's my life that has a trial it's probably not due to my innocence...However, "lessons" are completely different. As a child we have all sorts of lessons: dance, piano, violin, school. School is our primary job as a child - we are supposed to spend our time learning lessons!

Somehow, I got the idea that once I was an adult I wouldn't be spending as much time on lessons and learning. The truth is, I don't spend very much time in a classroom environment. That doesn't mean I'm not learning.

Yesterday was challenging for me. My boys are out of school for a few more weeks of summer, my home is tiny right now (which is a blessing and a curse at times) and I've got a wonderful little girl who is all about being 2 right now, including all the back-talking, hitting and tantrums.

So, I realized just before my husband came home from work that I needed a break. I needed to have time by myself for me to do whatever I wanted. Last night, that meant that I left home, drove to Barnes & Noble and sat in the car. For an hour or more. I thought about getting out of the car and going into the store but I didn't really want to be around people and I didn't want to read. I needed to be alone with my thoughts to figure out what was going on with me.

Here's what I came up with. I LOVE being a mom and wife. I adore my family and I'm grateful each day for the blessings they are in my life. I am also a woman who has spent the majority of her adult life being completely independent. These two things don't really go together. And when I spend all my time as a mom and wife and completely neglect the other parts of who I am, I eventually get to the place I was last night. The place where I just want to run away. I know that I'll come back but I have to go and I have to go quickly.

Now I get to come up with some sort of a plan so that I don't do this anymore. I want to create a way so that I regularly get the break I need and if I'm starting to feel like running away I'll know that I have a break coming.

Here's a truth for me: I know that as I take care of me, I have greater joy in caring for those I love. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that when I do this I'm at peace. When I haven't taken care of me, I am the opposite of peaceful; I start to get resentful that I'm spending my time and energy on others and they aren't reciprocating. But the truth is I don't really want them to reciprocate, I just don't want to feel taken advantage of. I'm the only one who has any power or control over that. It's important for me to make sure I take care of me - especially since I'm the only one who really knows what it is that I want anyway.

What Other People Think

How many times have we been told (or even said to someone else) "it doesn't matter what other people think"? Growing up I remember hearing it a lot and I'm sure I've said it to numerous people in my life. For the most part I've got a good grasp on the concept. Strangers on the street or acquaintances - whatever they may think doesn't matter to me. I'm grateful for this because it allows me a degree of peace and sanity in my life.

My hang up is the people I care about. Bit by bit, over the years, I've let go of a lot of these though. I absolutely love my parents and siblings. However, what they think about what I'm doing in my life isn't that important to me anymore. My biggest hurdle now is my kids and spouse. These are the people, the relationships, that I define myself by.

What I'm learning is that as I'm concerned about what these important people in my life think, I stop being me. I stop living my life and become worried, obsessed and even consumed with being okay in their minds. I realize that as I spend my time and energy trying to be what they want me to be I get all worked up into a frenzy (emotionally and sometimes physically) and whatever bit of peace I once had I've sent running away. Peace can't stay in an un-peaceful place. If I'm choosing to be worked up, I'm choosing to let my peace go. This is a HUGE realization for me.

It's important for me to clarify right now that I completely love my family. My husband and kids are the biggest part of my life and I am grateful beyond words for them. What I'm describing here is caring for them in a manner that works for all of us. I do my part to make there be peace and joy in our home and then I allow them to do their part to create the same. I am in charge of my life and I allow them to be in charge of theirs.

As with so many other things in my life, I'm working all of this out. It's a beautiful place to be. Knowing what I am able to control and what I'm not able to control. Knowing that I get to show my children by example how to be happy, peaceful and truly have joy in life.

Knowing Me

One thing about me, I'm a great cleaner. I actually enjoy cleaning. I find great personal satisfaction from seeing the transformation I am able to create with my hands and a bit of elbow grease. This is a gift that I love to share with others. Many times I find myself at a friend or relatives home and in fairly short order I'm cleaning something. It's never to insult their cleaning abilities (and this far I've not been told I'm being offensive); it's just one of the ways that I know I can be of service to those that I love and cherish in my life.

So, when I got married and could spend all my time caring for my home and family I was pretty excited. I would have a chance to do my cleaning during the day and all would be in order when my family was home at night. I had a June Clever idea of my life, and I was honestly excited for that!

I spent my days cleaning, organizing and cooking. Waiting for my family to get home so we could have our own little TV show right in the kitchen around the dinner table. What happened was slightly different, or maybe not that different...We would have our meal, discuss the day, make plans for the next day or whatever else would come up.

One day I was really irritate (so NOT June Clever!). I had been spending my time and energy taking care of our family and I wasn't getting any verbal acknowledgement for all that I was doing. I was not used to this sort of treatment from those I worked with. All my years working outside the home I was always one of those people who exceeded expectations. The boss would say to get something done in 30 minutes and I'd do EVERYTHING in my power to have it done in 25 minutes (or less). I liked hearing people tell me I was good (probably because I wasn't so sure of it myself). Anyway, I'd been working my tail off and no one had said anything. Really not what I had expected. I thought that June Clever was so happy because she was great and her family all told each other all the time how great they were.

Well, based on all of this, I decided it would be wise to talk to my husband about all of this, calmly of course. I shared my frustration that the things I was doing for our family weren't being recognized, I think I even said "why do I bother cleaning the shower if no one even notices?!?" (I'm a bit dramatic at times too...) My husband listened to my rant and did his best to calm me down - it didn't really work because I was totally committed to being in this tizzy.

Turns out my question was exactly the one to ask myself. I had been spending my time making my home spotless (or my best equivalent to that) for people who didn't really care if it was spotless. I was making it spotless so that in case someone who did care if it was spotless were to come by, they could approve of the manner in which I kept house. Silly! This was finally the time that I realized the reason I was home was to care for my FAMILY. Caring for them was more than just cooking and cleaning. It was being there to talk with them and support them. I realized that I was there to nurture my children, love them and teach them how to find happiness and joy in all they choose in this life. My relationship with my husband is about listening to one another, loving each other and doing what we can to bless one another. No where on this list was a clean shower floor, or a five star meal.

This is the point that I decided that to have an unswept floor wouldn't kill me. Dishes in the sink will not end the world, and eating out when I'm unable to find it in me to cook a meal myself will provide nourishment for my children to grow into adults. This was a big deal for me to give myself a break.

It's also important for me to share with you that I feel much more peace in my life when my home is in order. When I can see the floor and I've cooked a meal for my family, I feel peace in my heart and I feel good about myself. I also know that there are times that my laundry will be piled up and the sheets on the bed need to be changed. My opportunity now is to have peace in my heart no matter what the situation is.