Today

Today I'm moving slow. Really slow. Most days by this time I've picked up my house, worked out and then I sit down to write. Today is a different story. My house is in shambles, I'm still in my p.j.'s and I'm wondering what I could possibly write about today. I'm kinda feeling funky, and not the good, disco kind of funky.

I know that one of the things I've struggled with in my life is balance. I'm usually more of an all or nothing kind of girl. This is great a lot of the time, but at others it's not so great. I'm finding that the more I do the all or nothing thing, the less I feel at peace. It's important for me to do those things that I want, when I want to and also to remember that I've got to be me when whatever that thing is is over.

Here's the other thing I just realized. I'm kind of irritated with me for not being 'on' today. And of course when I'm irritated, I feel bad, and being irritated with me I feel even worse, which lends itself to feeling even funkier, and on and on it goes until I'm stuck in bed all day because I feel so bad about it all. I've done this before. So, I'm pretty excited to know that part of feeling bad is just that I'm feeling bad about me. And when I look at that and realize it's just for now, it's just an experience and it doesn't have to last forever, I already start to feel better! It's a miracle!

The key here for me is knowing that each day can be different, and I can be different each day. That's honoring who I am and how I feel. And I'm the one teaching others how to treat me by the way I treat myself. If I act like I always have to be the same, it's kind of silly for me to be upset if someone else says I can never change. WOW! This is such a great lesson for me to have today - I am so grateful to see it this way.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. Mentally, I'm at a place where I can see how I can move through my day and get things accomplished (which is quite different from about 20 minutes ago). I also know that I may not do all the same things I do most other days and it's okay. I will live and life on the planet will continue. How neat for me!

Friendship

Were you popular in high school? I wasn't. Not even a little bit. I knew everyone, including the popular kids, and I was friendly with everyone, but I wasn't in the "in" crowd.

I did have some very good, close friends that I spent most of my time with. We'd shop, got to movies, hang out. I always had people to spend my time with. The thing that I know about me though, is that those people change periodically. I'm still facebook friends with my closest friends from high school, but that's it really.

The reason I bring this up is that I was talking with a friend yesterday and he was sharing that a lot of relationships seem to be falling out of his life. And this concerned him. I thought to myself, he's more like my sisters - who still talk with their best friends from 4th grade, on a fairly regular basis.

For whatever reason, this hasn't been the types of relationships I've built. I will say however, that in the last 5-6 years I've built more lasting relationships than ever before in my life. And maybe part of that is that I finally have a better sense of who I am.

I think that's part of what occurs in marriages where the couple divorces. As life moves forward, people change in different ways, and if they are changing in ways that push them away from each other, it's difficult, if not impossible for the relationship to survive. And that's what I feel happened all those years with my friendships. I was changing in different ways and the people in the relationships with me were changing in other ways, or not changing, so the relationship just fell to the wayside. After a time, I just realized that was how my life was and it was okay for me.

I want to share now that I love all my friends, old and new, talking to them and not talking to them. I just feel like things are so fluid in life and my job is to figure out how to go with the flow. And if the flow I'm in doesn't work for me, I get to find a different flow (sometimes that means different friends).

Trust

I had neglected to trust myself this morning and blog right when I got on the computer. Instead, I checked all my email accounts, went on Facebook and checked out every one's status...So when I finally got here to blog, I had no idea what to write.

I wrote about that, which lead to another idea and another. I was feeling really good about all the stuff I was writing today and then I lost it all! My hope that it was just hidden in another window was merely a dream.

So, now I start again...

Okay, I just remembered that I'd promised to tell you how the "love everyone" thing went for me yesterday. I felt pretty good about it most of the day. The evening was a different story. At the end of the day I rate myself for the whole day: 1 - poor, 2 - good, 3 - very good, 4 - excellent. If I'd rated myself at 3:30 in the afternoon it would have been a 3, close to a 3.5. Then homework hit...At homework time I'm thinking about dinner, the hubby coming home from work, anything else going on that night and so my attention is not centered on one thing. I'm kind of a little spastic, actually. And my son, who requires the most attention at homework time, doesn't do well with a spastic mom, even though I really want him to just get past that. So, at the end of the day, I gave myself a 2 and realized that homework time has to be a time that I am calm, peaceful and centered on one thing - homework. This teaches my son that in that moment he's more important than dinner, his dad coming home from work or whatever else might be going on that night. And I know that is so important for him to know - that reaffirms his self-worth so he knows the world is safe and he can trust himself.

So, I guess that was what this whole thing was about this morning. I trust me which teaches my son to trust himself.

Inspiration

My oldest son started 7th grade today. Last week I went with him to "Back to School" night. We went to all his classes, met his teachers briefly and got to see the school a bit. One of the things I remembered was from his English class (which is actually called Language Arts - why do they have to rename everything?). I'm assuming that they do some amount of journaling in class because on the wall was a large poster about it. One of the things it said is to start writing about the prompt for the day and if they run out of things to write, then write about how funny it is to not have anything to write, until another idea comes to them.

I kind of feel like that today. Isn't it funny that I don't know what to write? How crazy would it be if this entire post was just about me not knowing what I should talk about today? I bet that anyone reading this would think that I just shouldn't bother writing anything if I don't have anything good to say....

Okay, that was great because now I have something to write about!

Did your mother ever tell you "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything,"? I'm sure some adult figure in my life told me that - I'm not positive it was my mom, though. How many of us still follow that advice? From my life experience - I'd say not many of us. So much of communication is gripping, whining and complaining about one thing or another.

I'm reading this book, The Greatest Secret in the World, and a portion of it directs me to start my day reading a section from the book to remind me what I'm focusing my attention on that day. Then at the end of the day, I review my actions to see how I did for the day. Today the section that I read talked a little about this exact thing. It said something to the effect of if I want to complain - hold my tongue and instead focus on what I love (or at least like). I wonder how many conversations would not even happen if everyone did this for just one hour.

I'm actually really excited about this opportunity. I feel like I'm generally a happy person so it will be interesting for me to focus today and see how I really behave. I'll let you know tomorrow what the day looked like.

Now, back to my title today...I put that in there hoping for some inspiration. Most of the time, just getting inspiration isn't enough, we've got to act on it. And sometimes, like today, it's important to start taking action before the inspiration hits - or hits completely.

I've had partial ideas from time to time and if I just waited until I knew exactly how everything was going to work out I wouldn't have gotten anything done. And in fact, I've done that exact thing a time or two. I don't ever feel good about those experiences though. I look at those and kind of want to kick my own butt for not doing something. I don't think that's a whole lot different than complaining though. I may not be saying it out loud, but I'm sure gripping in my head! So, instead, I can use those experiences as motivators, knowing that I don't like that feeling so I better do something different.

I like the way that feels 'use it as a motivator' - so much happier and exciting! More like the life I want to live.

Motherhood

This is some background information that will come in handy today: My daughter (2 1/2 yrs. old) LOVES school buses! Seriously. When we see one, she starts jumping up and down as much as she can while strapped into her car seat.

Today this might be disjointed, these are the feelings I've been having, so I'm going to share them...

This morning I sent my oldest son off to middle school for the first time. Today isn't the first day of school, he's got 7th grade orientation (kinda makes mama relieved to know he has a dry run before all the older kids are clogging up the halls). So, before it was bright, and it was for sure early, I walked with him to the bus stop. He's so mature and such a neat young man! I realized just how proud I am to be his mother. So, this being the technology age, I sent him a text telling him just that.

My sweet little girl also goes to school (a.k.a. daycare). Today she picked out her boots to wear - cause they're just the right size (she said) and her jacket. I suggested that we take her flip flops too, in case she wants to wear them later, so we put everything into her 'packpack' to bring. She was so proud walking out to the car - in her outfit she picked and her 'packpack' for school.

As we were driving I remembered that once school starts, there are buses all over the place. I said "Honey, on Monday we're going to see lots of school buses." Her response was adorable: "NICE, Mom! Give me high five!" And she held her hand up - ready to receive five.

This is the part of motherhood that I completely love. I love seeing my children grow, develop, become who they want to be. I know some parents don't like to see their kids grow up, but I think that's why I wanted to be a mother - so I could know that through my love, attention and guidance I was nurturing a child into an adult. I am truly building tomorrow today, in my children. And my children are great!

Perspective

A man is walking in the woods, surrounded by thick trees, dense brush and limited sunlight filtering through the trees. He walks and walks with the scenery changing seemingly little on his path. The path ahead is filled with more trees and brush, just as the path he came from.

Another man is walking in an open meadow. The trees are behind him and he enjoys the sun warming his skin as he progresses. He can see much of the path ahead, yet the path is long and he can't see the end from this place.

A third man is standing high on the summit of a mountain. As he looks down he can see the thick trees at the base of the mountain and remembers how thick the trees were as he started his journey. As his gaze scans the mountain, he sees the open meadow and recalls the joy of feeling the sun as he continued his journey, finally out of the trees that so limited his sight. Now at the summit, he can see not only the mountain, but all that lies around the peak. The other mountains, valleys, towns and cities he can survey and knows that there is so much more to see and discover.

All three of these men are on the same mountain, but each sees something different because of where he's at. What's interesting is that even if there were six men climbing the mountain, two in each group, they would all see something different because of where they are standing.

That's the way our lives are - we see things from the place that we are standing, and sometimes it's difficult to see anything else. This is completely natural, I believe. However, this can create challenges in our lives because we live with other people. I've experienced this most in my closest relationships because I had this idea that since we are so important to one another we would be willing/able to put ourselves in the other persons shoes. (Sometimes, I think I'm so silly!)

What I just came to know is that it's so important for me to allow myself and others to have our own experiences and to love and honor all of the experiences. When I wanted someone else to see what I saw I wasn't honoring their experience - I was thinking that it was more important for them to see mine. Other times I thought that my experience was somehow wrong and I needed to change to see what the other person saw. The truth is, all of it is beautiful and amazing.

Think back to the three men on the mountain. Have you ever been surrounded by trees and brush? Can you recall how lovely nature is in that moment? Now, the open meadow, with the sun shining down - how amazing is that view? Next, see the view from the summit of the mountain - does it feel like you can see the whole world? No one would ever doubt the beauty of these places, yet with those in our lives, we do it all the time.

So, how do I remind myself that it's just perspective and that all the views are lovely? Do I find pictures to hang in my home? Or is it possible that as I look inside of me for peace that I will simply remember the truth - everything is beautiful!

Stuck

Have you ever felt stuck? Like you can't move out of whatever it is you're feeling or doing...This morning I was feeling stuck in a mood. Not really a bad mood, but definitely stuck. So, I spent some time going over everything that had happened that morning - who I talked to, what we said, what I thought about what we said, etc. What I realized is none of that really mattered. I don't feel like it really had anything to do with how I was feeling and I just needed to get over it.

Getting over it is something that's been somewhat challenging to me. I'm a staunch believer in the "fake it til you make it" mentality, but I've always kind of loved to hold on to 'things'. It was almost like the 'things' were a badge of honor for me to wear around, telling people how good I was because I was happy or fit or kind or fill in the blank, even though I had the 'things' to deal with. If I had something I was holding onto, I would push my way through the day because I'm so 'strong'. I think I wanted to know more than anyone else that I was strong. The real truth is that the strength it takes to let go of things is far more impressive than pushing through while holding on to the stuff.

So, back to this morning...I sat there for a few minutes and mentally centered myself. I released whatever it was that was causing the funk (those are truly the words I used) and allowed myself to get clear of all that energy. It worked. I felt better, more energetic and excited about what the day had in store for me.

Now, I get to 'clean house' on some of the more permanent 'stuff'' I've been carrying around in my life. I think the challenge here is that it's been around so long I've almost forgotten that it was there. And it's kind of comfortable to have that there - I know it and it knows me. We're old friends...However, I do believe that sometimes we outgrow friendships and this is one that I'm ready to let go of.

Getting What We Want

Isn't this the biggest dilemma in life? How do we get what it is we want? What do we have to do? Who do we have to be nice to? Where do we have to go? Many of us would give anything, do anything, just to know.

So, how do we figure it out? There are so many books, videos, lectures, seminars & the list goes on and on, that will tell you what someone else did to get what they wanted. The idea is that if we want what they wanted and do what they did then we'll somehow get what we want or at the very least what the other person got. Right? And that's good enough, right?

My issue with this plan is that all the times in my life that I've done that - it hasn't worked for me. I don't get what I want and I certainly haven't gotten what someone else got. Or maybe I did, but since it wasn't what I wanted, I didn't like having it!

Now, I sit here wondering how to get what I want. I think I should make a plan. It's important to write things out so I know if I'm on the right path - that's what all the books/videos/lectures/seminars say. But what if that's not how it works for me. What if my way is different? What if I'm my own kind of special? Just like everyone else is their own kind of special...

What if part of the reason it's important for me to find my own way is so that I can encourage others to trust themselves as they set out on their path - that's different. I can tell you that the idea of being different from everyone else can be scary at times and I would love to have someone say "It's okay. You don't have to do it like everyone else. I didn't and it worked out really great for me. I'm right here with you if you have any doubts, I've got your back and I KNOW you can do it!"

So, I think I am that person for me. I get to be my own cheerleader. Tell myself what a great job I'm doing and to keep up the good work. I get to remind myself of all the things I've already done. All the joy, peace, inspiration and blessings I've already brought into my life. I get to KNOW I can do it and keep trusting myself to make it happen in the perfect time.

One more thing I'd like to share is that more and more I'm finding that what I want is really inside of me. What I want more than anything is peace and joy. All the other stuff is extra. I like extras - I think they're great, just not necessary. And honestly, peace and joy aren't necessary to live, but it sure makes it so much more worthwhile.

Truth

Truth is a big deal in life. We teach our children to always tell the truth. We want to know the truth, we search for truth and we believe that the truth will make us happy. I'm not sure about all the rest, but the part about the truth making us happy is a bunch of baloney! I'm certainly not saying to go out any lie to everyone in your life, or even anyone in your life. I'm simply stating that truth won't make anyone any happier than anything else will. The idea to be happy is one that comes from inside each one of us and it's up to each of us to decide if we are willing to be happy, no matter what is going on outside of us.

Another interesting thing about the truth is that it keeps showing up in our lives until we embrace it. I've had this experience a lot. I'll come across an idea and think "hey, that's really cool." Then I'll move on with my life, often times forgetting about the really cool thing, until someone else brings it up to me, or I read it in a book, hear it in a story someone shares with me or even a song I might hear. I know that when I'm ready for a truth it will come into my life so much that I almost have to embrace it. It's pretty cool!

Now, here's a truth I'm wondering about...can two people be madly, passionately, deeply in love their whole lives? I attended a wedding recently and those were some of the vows they couple said to one another. It was actually a promise to be madly, passionately and deeply in love for the rest of their lives. I sat there, looking at the couple, knowing how much they truly love one another and how much they meant it in that moment, but wondering if it's really possible to do that. I love my husband deeply, more deeply now than I ever have before. And I'm sure that as our lives progress, I will love him even more deeply. I just don't know about the madly and passionately part...Am I just a cynic? Am I looking for problems where none exist?

I'm sure that so much of the madly and passionately is my issue. I realized the other day that I have picked almost all of my relationships in life because they have taught me huge life lessons. Many of these lessons have been challenging and difficult at times. I also realized that I've walked away from relationships that would have been much easier, knowing that if I'm not being pushed, I might not choose to learn.

So, maybe my truth is that people can be madly, passionately and deeply in love their whole lives. Maybe I get to be open to finding that in me. As I am madly, passionately and deeply in love with myself, it becomes much easier to feel that way about another person as well. So, rather than find fault in me, I find the beauty in who I am. And maybe that's the truth for all of us - to find the beauty in who we are...

Comfort

Something I've talked about but not often thought about is 'comfort foods'. Generally, they are those foods that remind us of childhood - being safe, protected, loved. And generally, we turn to comfort foods when we are feeling the opposite of all those things.

Food has been an opportunity for me to grow in my life. At various times, I've felt out of control - like life was just happening to me. When that happened, I would eat because I could control what went into my body. Another bonus was that I didn't focus so much on the emotions I was feeling because the discomfort of being so full required all of my attention. This was a vicious cycle in my life because then I would feel bad about how my body looked and felt, but then I'd again turn to food to dull my senses. The only time I was 'comfortable' while turning to 'comfort foods' was when I was putting the food in my mouth.

So, what makes 'comfort foods' so appealing? I believe it has to do with the fact that it reminds us of a simpler time. When I was a child, life was easy and effortless. I could run, play, dance, sing, sleep - whatever my heart desired in that moment. As an adult, life looks a lot different. I have my children that I am responsible for teaching. I have my home to care for. I have my husband to support. It seems like very little of my time is really mine and when I feel this way I want to find comfort, peace.

Probably the wisest thing for me to do now is determine what is causing me to feel dis-comfort and then make a change. But I'm not sure where or how to begin that...Part of me believes that if I just get through the rest of the summer I'll be okay. Once the kids are back in school I'll have more time each day to myself and I won't feel so drained/sad/over-whelmed. Another part of me knows that it won't go away if I don't address it. It may move to the back burner for a time, but it will still be there - waiting for me to handle.

I thought about finding a class of some sort, something for me to do each week that's mine. I didn't find any classes that interested me. What I'd like is something that stimulates my mind, that challenges me to think, stretch and grow. I'd also like it to be something that I can set aside when I need a break. My life challenges me all the time but I can never put it aside. Well, I don't feel like it would work very well if I put my life aside until I was ready to work on it again. I guess that since I haven't done that, I don't know for sure...

Maybe the only comfort here is knowing it's part of the journey. This is the life that I have chosen and there are bumps along the way. This path has roses, sunshine and the most amazing fragrance. It's also important to remember that there are thorns on the roses and the rain must come to water the plants that make it so beautiful here. I'm the one who decides if I'll curse the rain and the thorns or if I'll be grateful for the wonder that exists because of them.

When I look at life in that manner, I don't really want 'comfort foods' because I've found comfort in my life.

Lessons

Previously I would have titled this "Trials". Thankfully, I've learned that words are very powerful in my life. The word "trial" even sounds hard to me. When I think of the word trial I will quickly go in my mind to a courtroom where the judge determines guilt or innocence. If it's my life that has a trial it's probably not due to my innocence...However, "lessons" are completely different. As a child we have all sorts of lessons: dance, piano, violin, school. School is our primary job as a child - we are supposed to spend our time learning lessons!

Somehow, I got the idea that once I was an adult I wouldn't be spending as much time on lessons and learning. The truth is, I don't spend very much time in a classroom environment. That doesn't mean I'm not learning.

Yesterday was challenging for me. My boys are out of school for a few more weeks of summer, my home is tiny right now (which is a blessing and a curse at times) and I've got a wonderful little girl who is all about being 2 right now, including all the back-talking, hitting and tantrums.

So, I realized just before my husband came home from work that I needed a break. I needed to have time by myself for me to do whatever I wanted. Last night, that meant that I left home, drove to Barnes & Noble and sat in the car. For an hour or more. I thought about getting out of the car and going into the store but I didn't really want to be around people and I didn't want to read. I needed to be alone with my thoughts to figure out what was going on with me.

Here's what I came up with. I LOVE being a mom and wife. I adore my family and I'm grateful each day for the blessings they are in my life. I am also a woman who has spent the majority of her adult life being completely independent. These two things don't really go together. And when I spend all my time as a mom and wife and completely neglect the other parts of who I am, I eventually get to the place I was last night. The place where I just want to run away. I know that I'll come back but I have to go and I have to go quickly.

Now I get to come up with some sort of a plan so that I don't do this anymore. I want to create a way so that I regularly get the break I need and if I'm starting to feel like running away I'll know that I have a break coming.

Here's a truth for me: I know that as I take care of me, I have greater joy in caring for those I love. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that when I do this I'm at peace. When I haven't taken care of me, I am the opposite of peaceful; I start to get resentful that I'm spending my time and energy on others and they aren't reciprocating. But the truth is I don't really want them to reciprocate, I just don't want to feel taken advantage of. I'm the only one who has any power or control over that. It's important for me to make sure I take care of me - especially since I'm the only one who really knows what it is that I want anyway.

Pain

Anyone remember this line?

"Life is pain. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something." - The Princess Bride

I've been thinking a lot about pain the last few days since I punished myself lifting weights. I am seriously so sore that it hurts to walk.

So, here's something - I know that in order to build muscle I have to work harder than I have before. I also know that by working this hard it's going to create a time of pain in my life while my body rebuilds muscle and regenerates itself. I know these things and I use them to create the body I desire.

How does this relate to life in general? Well, a couple of things come to mind. First off, I'm the one who creates the pain in my life. Sometimes I know what I'm doing to create the pain (like going to the gym - physically/ending a relationship - emotionally) and other times it just seems to sneak up on me (playing volleyball for 6 hours on the beach - physically/figuring out that what I said or did was harmful to someone - emotionally). Either way - I'm the one who's always in charge of my joy or misery. Second, the pain comes before the new growth; the new strength. The pain is my indicator that I'm working, stretching and growing.