How many times have we been told (or even said to someone else) "it doesn't matter what other people think"? Growing up I remember hearing it a lot and I'm sure I've said it to numerous people in my life. For the most part I've got a good grasp on the concept. Strangers on the street or acquaintances - whatever they may think doesn't matter to me. I'm grateful for this because it allows me a degree of peace and sanity in my life.
My hang up is the people I care about. Bit by bit, over the years, I've let go of a lot of these though. I absolutely love my parents and siblings. However, what they think about what I'm doing in my life isn't that important to me anymore. My biggest hurdle now is my kids and spouse. These are the people, the relationships, that I define myself by.
What I'm learning is that as I'm concerned about what these important people in my life think, I stop being me. I stop living my life and become worried, obsessed and even consumed with being okay in their minds. I realize that as I spend my time and energy trying to be what they want me to be I get all worked up into a frenzy (emotionally and sometimes physically) and whatever bit of peace I once had I've sent running away. Peace can't stay in an un-peaceful place. If I'm choosing to be worked up, I'm choosing to let my peace go. This is a HUGE realization for me.
It's important for me to clarify right now that I completely love my family. My husband and kids are the biggest part of my life and I am grateful beyond words for them. What I'm describing here is caring for them in a manner that works for all of us. I do my part to make there be peace and joy in our home and then I allow them to do their part to create the same. I am in charge of my life and I allow them to be in charge of theirs.
As with so many other things in my life, I'm working all of this out. It's a beautiful place to be. Knowing what I am able to control and what I'm not able to control. Knowing that I get to show my children by example how to be happy, peaceful and truly have joy in life.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Ultimatums and Expectations
About ten years ago I had a pretty profound realization about ultimatums - they never turn out the way you'd like. I'd thought that if I told someone "you better do this or I'm gonna do _____" (fill in the blank), then they would surely do what I wanted them to do. The truth is, that never happened. And so often what I was filling the blank in with something I didn't really want to do myself. So if it was my kids I was issuing the ultimatum to, they learned that I was full of hot air. I think at one point early on in parenthood I'd said something like "if you don't stop fighting, I'll pull the car over and make you two walk home!" Now, keep in mind my boys were somewhere around 3 & 4 years old at the time and we were miles away from home. Like I was really going to make them walk!
Anyway, this taught me a valuable lesson, only say what I'm REALLY committed to. I had to actually think before speaking to my kids and others. That was a pretty big shift! This change has really blessed my life in so many ways. My children know they can count on me because I say what I mean and I follow through. Others in my life have learned the same thing and I feel like my relationships are deeper and more meaningful than ever before. Pretty awesome!
Expectations...this is a big one in my life. I have believed that if others know what to count on from me, it's perfectly reasonable that I expect things from them. It makes sense, doesn't it? The issue comes in because I was putting my expectations on them. They have never told me "you can count on me to do this." I just assumed that they would want to do what I want them to do. I mean, I want it so isn't that enough?
Turns out the answer to that question is no and my 2 year old is the one who taught me that. Most mornings we get up, have breakfast, get dressed, fix her hair and then head off to school (that's what we call daycare since her big brothers go to school too). This is pretty much the order it all goes in and it's easy. She knows what we do and she likes it. Today was very different. She didn't want to do much of anything. She did want to eat, and was okay getting her hair fixed but after that it was a struggle to do anything. She didn't want to let me pick her clothes but she didn't want to pick them either. Once we finally had clothes, she didn't want to put them on. I'm sitting on the floor attempting to coax her into doing what I want when I realized that I was getting upset because I had an expectation. I expected her to do what we always do and this morning that didn't work for her. Maybe today she wanted to wear her pajama's to school. Would the world end if a 2 year old wore pajamas all day? Probably not. So, I took a deep breath and relaxed. And here's the best part, once I relaxed - she got dressed and we were out the door.
I guess the lesson here for me is that as I let go of my desire to control other people and situations, I have peace and life moves forward - however it's supposed to look!
Anyway, this taught me a valuable lesson, only say what I'm REALLY committed to. I had to actually think before speaking to my kids and others. That was a pretty big shift! This change has really blessed my life in so many ways. My children know they can count on me because I say what I mean and I follow through. Others in my life have learned the same thing and I feel like my relationships are deeper and more meaningful than ever before. Pretty awesome!
Expectations...this is a big one in my life. I have believed that if others know what to count on from me, it's perfectly reasonable that I expect things from them. It makes sense, doesn't it? The issue comes in because I was putting my expectations on them. They have never told me "you can count on me to do this." I just assumed that they would want to do what I want them to do. I mean, I want it so isn't that enough?
Turns out the answer to that question is no and my 2 year old is the one who taught me that. Most mornings we get up, have breakfast, get dressed, fix her hair and then head off to school (that's what we call daycare since her big brothers go to school too). This is pretty much the order it all goes in and it's easy. She knows what we do and she likes it. Today was very different. She didn't want to do much of anything. She did want to eat, and was okay getting her hair fixed but after that it was a struggle to do anything. She didn't want to let me pick her clothes but she didn't want to pick them either. Once we finally had clothes, she didn't want to put them on. I'm sitting on the floor attempting to coax her into doing what I want when I realized that I was getting upset because I had an expectation. I expected her to do what we always do and this morning that didn't work for her. Maybe today she wanted to wear her pajama's to school. Would the world end if a 2 year old wore pajamas all day? Probably not. So, I took a deep breath and relaxed. And here's the best part, once I relaxed - she got dressed and we were out the door.
I guess the lesson here for me is that as I let go of my desire to control other people and situations, I have peace and life moves forward - however it's supposed to look!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Being Special
Here's a funny thing about life. We all want to be special. That alone isn't funny. I think it's completely natural to have the desire to be special. The funny thing is that we also want to be normal. Normal and Special don't necessarily go together in my book. Special is somehow different from everybody else. And normal, well that's just exactly the same as everyone.
I remember as a kid I knew I wasn't really the same as everyone else in my classes. First off, I think I only ever had one other "Erika" in any of my school classes and she spelled her name with a "c" instead of a "k". Thankfully, I met that Erica early on in school so that I didn't feel completely alone.
To illustrate my point I'll share a story...I've got a sister named Olivia and her nickname as a child was Libby. Now, let me tell you that thirty years ago there weren't many Olivia's and certainly not a Libby to know - except my sister. The way I remember this all happening, this sister was VERY distraught over being so different from everyone else. There were like 6 Jenny's in her class, a few Stacy's and some Michelle's. No one had even heard of Olivia or Libby - she was different. But in 4th grade different doesn't mean special. Different means weird.
Since that time, this sister has grown into a beautiful, talented, wonderful woman who loves her name and knows it suits her well. And interestingly enough, there are Olivia's, Libby's and even Livy's all over the place now.
So, how do I tell myself, and my children, that different is special and wonderful and amazing? How do I get rid of the desire to be the same as everyone else? How do I know in my heart that sticking out is the best gift in the world because it proves how special I am?
All these questions are finding answers in my daily life. I know that so much of what I chose is different than my family and friends. I know that I am what some might call an 'odd duck'. I also know that I am living my life in the manner that works for me. I am teaching my children with love and as much patience as I can manage in each moment. And I'm able to do this because I'm choosing to be my special. My special isn't about getting someone else's approval. My special is special because of me.
The other important thing for me to remember is that just because it works for me doesn't mean it will work for anyone else. Chances are it won't ever work for someone else because it was created for my life, for me and my experiences. So, with this knowledge, I have the opportunity to love myself, my life and my choices. I also have the opportunity to love everyone else - because they are special too. Their special may look different and sound different than mine and that's wonderful because that emphasizes just how special each one of us is!
I remember as a kid I knew I wasn't really the same as everyone else in my classes. First off, I think I only ever had one other "Erika" in any of my school classes and she spelled her name with a "c" instead of a "k". Thankfully, I met that Erica early on in school so that I didn't feel completely alone.
To illustrate my point I'll share a story...I've got a sister named Olivia and her nickname as a child was Libby. Now, let me tell you that thirty years ago there weren't many Olivia's and certainly not a Libby to know - except my sister. The way I remember this all happening, this sister was VERY distraught over being so different from everyone else. There were like 6 Jenny's in her class, a few Stacy's and some Michelle's. No one had even heard of Olivia or Libby - she was different. But in 4th grade different doesn't mean special. Different means weird.
Since that time, this sister has grown into a beautiful, talented, wonderful woman who loves her name and knows it suits her well. And interestingly enough, there are Olivia's, Libby's and even Livy's all over the place now.
So, how do I tell myself, and my children, that different is special and wonderful and amazing? How do I get rid of the desire to be the same as everyone else? How do I know in my heart that sticking out is the best gift in the world because it proves how special I am?
All these questions are finding answers in my daily life. I know that so much of what I chose is different than my family and friends. I know that I am what some might call an 'odd duck'. I also know that I am living my life in the manner that works for me. I am teaching my children with love and as much patience as I can manage in each moment. And I'm able to do this because I'm choosing to be my special. My special isn't about getting someone else's approval. My special is special because of me.
The other important thing for me to remember is that just because it works for me doesn't mean it will work for anyone else. Chances are it won't ever work for someone else because it was created for my life, for me and my experiences. So, with this knowledge, I have the opportunity to love myself, my life and my choices. I also have the opportunity to love everyone else - because they are special too. Their special may look different and sound different than mine and that's wonderful because that emphasizes just how special each one of us is!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Finding Zen
Zen...I always think of Zen as being peace and tranquility - the ultimate relaxation. I also always feel like it's constantly out of my reach. How can a person who has a life (and by that I mean ANYONE who lives their life in the modern world) also have Zen?
This is something that seems to be easier for me to coach people on than it is to see for myself. Yesterday I was able to visit for quite a while with a friend who has some major decisions coming up in her life. She's currently separated from her husband and isn't positive what direction to take. Thus far she's been able to kind of put it all on hold while he's going to school in a different state, but soon he'll have a break from classes and wants to spend time with her. As we spoke, she was all spun up about how to tell him she might want a divorce, or never see him again, and what if he said this or did that...Finally, when she took a breath, I suggested that she take a few deep breaths (in and out) and really think about it all. Could she control what he says or does? Is he there right now for this conversation to even be taking place? Even if he was there right now, does she have to talk to him? Or could she turn around and walk away?
I realized that this is what I do so much of my life. I think about what is going to happen at some point in the future and then I spend my present moment worrying or planning for something that may or may not ever happen. Now, this would be the good side of how I spend my time. The reverse is also true. Oftentimes, I have difficulty letting go of things that have already happened. I replay in my mind what I said or did. Where I was standing and how someone looked at me and what I thought that look meant; combining that with what they said and the inflection in their voice tells me exactly what they think about me and then I go off into defending myself from perceived attacks so that next time I'm around them I can be totally ready to give them a piece of my mind!
I'm not enjoying my current situation because I'm refusing to live in it.
So, what if Zen isn't about living in the wilderness, all alone, no television, radio, cell phone and internet? What if Zen is really about finding peace in myself? And what if the key to finding peace in me is about living in the moment? If I am really present (consciously aware) in my life each moment, I can know if I'm okay with what's being said by me and others. And if by chance someone does say something that doesn't work for me - I can talk to them about it. WOW! That might just change my entire life...that might be the real key to finding Zen.
This is something that seems to be easier for me to coach people on than it is to see for myself. Yesterday I was able to visit for quite a while with a friend who has some major decisions coming up in her life. She's currently separated from her husband and isn't positive what direction to take. Thus far she's been able to kind of put it all on hold while he's going to school in a different state, but soon he'll have a break from classes and wants to spend time with her. As we spoke, she was all spun up about how to tell him she might want a divorce, or never see him again, and what if he said this or did that...Finally, when she took a breath, I suggested that she take a few deep breaths (in and out) and really think about it all. Could she control what he says or does? Is he there right now for this conversation to even be taking place? Even if he was there right now, does she have to talk to him? Or could she turn around and walk away?
I realized that this is what I do so much of my life. I think about what is going to happen at some point in the future and then I spend my present moment worrying or planning for something that may or may not ever happen. Now, this would be the good side of how I spend my time. The reverse is also true. Oftentimes, I have difficulty letting go of things that have already happened. I replay in my mind what I said or did. Where I was standing and how someone looked at me and what I thought that look meant; combining that with what they said and the inflection in their voice tells me exactly what they think about me and then I go off into defending myself from perceived attacks so that next time I'm around them I can be totally ready to give them a piece of my mind!
I'm not enjoying my current situation because I'm refusing to live in it.
So, what if Zen isn't about living in the wilderness, all alone, no television, radio, cell phone and internet? What if Zen is really about finding peace in myself? And what if the key to finding peace in me is about living in the moment? If I am really present (consciously aware) in my life each moment, I can know if I'm okay with what's being said by me and others. And if by chance someone does say something that doesn't work for me - I can talk to them about it. WOW! That might just change my entire life...that might be the real key to finding Zen.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Being Right
I highly doubt that I'm the only person in the world who wants to be right, but since I only have my life experience to draw from, that's what I'll talk about today.
Being right has been a HUGE part of my life. This was one of the ways that I could easily gauge how I was doing in life. At work, I knew I was successful by being right. And not that others couldn't be right too, but I for SURE had to be right. If there was a certain way to do things, rest assured that is the way I'd be doing them. That way, anyone who came around could see and know that I was right. But it didn't stop there. Anyone that had the pleasure of learning anything from me had to learn the 'right' way to do it. The way the table was set up, the manner in which to move their hands and, of course, a time frame to complete the task in. How else could a person measure their success?
I kind of looked at life like a math test at school. The answers were already lined out, the teacher had to have the answers to the test before the test was given to the students. It was possible for more than one student to get 100%. I didn't care if everybody got it right, but I for sure had better because that's how I knew I was okay.
So, I can see how in school, or even at a job, this could be a positive attribute. By having this desire and drive to work hard and to do things well, everyone can benefit. My hang up is in my relationships.
Relationships are quite a bit different when it comes to being right. See, each person has their own idea about what right is, based on their life experiences. How can my sister tell me I'm right when her information from her life tells her she's right? It just doesn't work that way...
Another issue with being right in relationships is that if one person is right, that means at least one other person is going to be wrong. I'm fairly certain that other people on this planet hate to be wrong almost as much as I do. I HATE to be wrong!!! It seems to go against the very fiber of my being. If I'm wrong it means that I didn't have all the information, something changed mid-stream, or heaven forbid!, I actually made a mistake. That is not my life - I refuse to play that way.
So, if I'm hell-bent on being right, all these people in my life have to be wrong time and time again. I'd really hate to be in relationship with me!
Now comes the part where I tell you how I've been able to let go of this desire to be right all the time in my life. Except I haven't really figured that one out yet. I'm in that process right now. The cool part is now I'm realizing how many times and all the different ways that this is impacting me. One of the things that just occurred to me this morning is that being right is crippling my body. My desire to be right is coming out in physical ailments that are challenging most days and even worse on some. What's exciting is that since I've had this realization, I can let go of it and put my energy to better use.
What's funny is that as I write this realization, I can feel my body responding positively to this idea. Where I'd been hurting just a few minutes ago, I'm not having that same discomfort...I'm thrilled at the effect I can have on my life. I guess if I want to look at it a certain way - this is truly the only way to be 'right'.
Being right has been a HUGE part of my life. This was one of the ways that I could easily gauge how I was doing in life. At work, I knew I was successful by being right. And not that others couldn't be right too, but I for SURE had to be right. If there was a certain way to do things, rest assured that is the way I'd be doing them. That way, anyone who came around could see and know that I was right. But it didn't stop there. Anyone that had the pleasure of learning anything from me had to learn the 'right' way to do it. The way the table was set up, the manner in which to move their hands and, of course, a time frame to complete the task in. How else could a person measure their success?
I kind of looked at life like a math test at school. The answers were already lined out, the teacher had to have the answers to the test before the test was given to the students. It was possible for more than one student to get 100%. I didn't care if everybody got it right, but I for sure had better because that's how I knew I was okay.
So, I can see how in school, or even at a job, this could be a positive attribute. By having this desire and drive to work hard and to do things well, everyone can benefit. My hang up is in my relationships.
Relationships are quite a bit different when it comes to being right. See, each person has their own idea about what right is, based on their life experiences. How can my sister tell me I'm right when her information from her life tells her she's right? It just doesn't work that way...
Another issue with being right in relationships is that if one person is right, that means at least one other person is going to be wrong. I'm fairly certain that other people on this planet hate to be wrong almost as much as I do. I HATE to be wrong!!! It seems to go against the very fiber of my being. If I'm wrong it means that I didn't have all the information, something changed mid-stream, or heaven forbid!, I actually made a mistake. That is not my life - I refuse to play that way.
So, if I'm hell-bent on being right, all these people in my life have to be wrong time and time again. I'd really hate to be in relationship with me!
Now comes the part where I tell you how I've been able to let go of this desire to be right all the time in my life. Except I haven't really figured that one out yet. I'm in that process right now. The cool part is now I'm realizing how many times and all the different ways that this is impacting me. One of the things that just occurred to me this morning is that being right is crippling my body. My desire to be right is coming out in physical ailments that are challenging most days and even worse on some. What's exciting is that since I've had this realization, I can let go of it and put my energy to better use.
What's funny is that as I write this realization, I can feel my body responding positively to this idea. Where I'd been hurting just a few minutes ago, I'm not having that same discomfort...I'm thrilled at the effect I can have on my life. I guess if I want to look at it a certain way - this is truly the only way to be 'right'.
Stuck in the Rut
Picture an old dirt road...trucks, tractors, cars and wagons have been traveling down this stretch of road for decades and you can clearly see the path they've always taken. There's grass and weeds growing up on the side of the road and even in the 'island'. The path the wheels have traveled in is smooth and deep. Now, picture what this road looks like in a heavy storm...the wells in the road are running over with fast flowing water, the rocks that are hidden during the sunny days are now causing the water to roll and boil.
Imagine how difficult it would be to go down that road and not follow the exact same path. Is it even possible? Wouldn't your vehicle at least fall onto the path a few times - no matter how cautious you were? Consider crossing this road during a storm...The path that is difficult in good weather is practically impassable during the torrent.
This is one of the opportunities I've had in my life. How do I get off the path that I've used for so long with the people I love in my life? How do we create a new path together, one that will allow each of us to be our best selves?
I believe that it takes unwavering commitment from all parties involved. Creating a new path can be difficult when the old path is so close and it's so easy to slip back into it. Especially during a storm.
So, I've tethered myself to the new path. I've placed stakes to mark the new road, put up a rail to guide me and I've even wrapped a rope around waist and tied it it tightly to the rail. I'm pleased with my progress and yet there are still times that the road gets slippery and I slide right back into the rolling waters. Now is the most important time to be clear on my commitment and what it will ultimately create in my life. This is the moment when I pull myself out of the swift flowing waters and return to the spot that I know will keep me a little bit drier, the spot that will guide me safely to my destination. This is the time to dig deep inside myself for the energy and determination to do whatever it takes to get what it is that I truly desire.
This is a life experience I'm currently in the middle of so there's no neat, clean way to tie this all up. I'm not sure the outcome of this story. I don't have the ability to look back on it now to see how perfectly it all turned out or how it has blessed my life by having this chance to learn and grow. I'm confident that as I continue in my path that I will be able to do all those things, but for now I am moving forward with faith in myself, my life and my ability to create my life in the best possible manner.
Imagine how difficult it would be to go down that road and not follow the exact same path. Is it even possible? Wouldn't your vehicle at least fall onto the path a few times - no matter how cautious you were? Consider crossing this road during a storm...The path that is difficult in good weather is practically impassable during the torrent.
This is one of the opportunities I've had in my life. How do I get off the path that I've used for so long with the people I love in my life? How do we create a new path together, one that will allow each of us to be our best selves?
I believe that it takes unwavering commitment from all parties involved. Creating a new path can be difficult when the old path is so close and it's so easy to slip back into it. Especially during a storm.
So, I've tethered myself to the new path. I've placed stakes to mark the new road, put up a rail to guide me and I've even wrapped a rope around waist and tied it it tightly to the rail. I'm pleased with my progress and yet there are still times that the road gets slippery and I slide right back into the rolling waters. Now is the most important time to be clear on my commitment and what it will ultimately create in my life. This is the moment when I pull myself out of the swift flowing waters and return to the spot that I know will keep me a little bit drier, the spot that will guide me safely to my destination. This is the time to dig deep inside myself for the energy and determination to do whatever it takes to get what it is that I truly desire.
This is a life experience I'm currently in the middle of so there's no neat, clean way to tie this all up. I'm not sure the outcome of this story. I don't have the ability to look back on it now to see how perfectly it all turned out or how it has blessed my life by having this chance to learn and grow. I'm confident that as I continue in my path that I will be able to do all those things, but for now I am moving forward with faith in myself, my life and my ability to create my life in the best possible manner.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Knowing Me
One thing about me, I'm a great cleaner. I actually enjoy cleaning. I find great personal satisfaction from seeing the transformation I am able to create with my hands and a bit of elbow grease. This is a gift that I love to share with others. Many times I find myself at a friend or relatives home and in fairly short order I'm cleaning something. It's never to insult their cleaning abilities (and this far I've not been told I'm being offensive); it's just one of the ways that I know I can be of service to those that I love and cherish in my life.
So, when I got married and could spend all my time caring for my home and family I was pretty excited. I would have a chance to do my cleaning during the day and all would be in order when my family was home at night. I had a June Clever idea of my life, and I was honestly excited for that!
I spent my days cleaning, organizing and cooking. Waiting for my family to get home so we could have our own little TV show right in the kitchen around the dinner table. What happened was slightly different, or maybe not that different...We would have our meal, discuss the day, make plans for the next day or whatever else would come up.
One day I was really irritate (so NOT June Clever!). I had been spending my time and energy taking care of our family and I wasn't getting any verbal acknowledgement for all that I was doing. I was not used to this sort of treatment from those I worked with. All my years working outside the home I was always one of those people who exceeded expectations. The boss would say to get something done in 30 minutes and I'd do EVERYTHING in my power to have it done in 25 minutes (or less). I liked hearing people tell me I was good (probably because I wasn't so sure of it myself). Anyway, I'd been working my tail off and no one had said anything. Really not what I had expected. I thought that June Clever was so happy because she was great and her family all told each other all the time how great they were.
Well, based on all of this, I decided it would be wise to talk to my husband about all of this, calmly of course. I shared my frustration that the things I was doing for our family weren't being recognized, I think I even said "why do I bother cleaning the shower if no one even notices?!?" (I'm a bit dramatic at times too...) My husband listened to my rant and did his best to calm me down - it didn't really work because I was totally committed to being in this tizzy.
Turns out my question was exactly the one to ask myself. I had been spending my time making my home spotless (or my best equivalent to that) for people who didn't really care if it was spotless. I was making it spotless so that in case someone who did care if it was spotless were to come by, they could approve of the manner in which I kept house. Silly! This was finally the time that I realized the reason I was home was to care for my FAMILY. Caring for them was more than just cooking and cleaning. It was being there to talk with them and support them. I realized that I was there to nurture my children, love them and teach them how to find happiness and joy in all they choose in this life. My relationship with my husband is about listening to one another, loving each other and doing what we can to bless one another. No where on this list was a clean shower floor, or a five star meal.
This is the point that I decided that to have an unswept floor wouldn't kill me. Dishes in the sink will not end the world, and eating out when I'm unable to find it in me to cook a meal myself will provide nourishment for my children to grow into adults. This was a big deal for me to give myself a break.
It's also important for me to share with you that I feel much more peace in my life when my home is in order. When I can see the floor and I've cooked a meal for my family, I feel peace in my heart and I feel good about myself. I also know that there are times that my laundry will be piled up and the sheets on the bed need to be changed. My opportunity now is to have peace in my heart no matter what the situation is.
So, when I got married and could spend all my time caring for my home and family I was pretty excited. I would have a chance to do my cleaning during the day and all would be in order when my family was home at night. I had a June Clever idea of my life, and I was honestly excited for that!
I spent my days cleaning, organizing and cooking. Waiting for my family to get home so we could have our own little TV show right in the kitchen around the dinner table. What happened was slightly different, or maybe not that different...We would have our meal, discuss the day, make plans for the next day or whatever else would come up.
One day I was really irritate (so NOT June Clever!). I had been spending my time and energy taking care of our family and I wasn't getting any verbal acknowledgement for all that I was doing. I was not used to this sort of treatment from those I worked with. All my years working outside the home I was always one of those people who exceeded expectations. The boss would say to get something done in 30 minutes and I'd do EVERYTHING in my power to have it done in 25 minutes (or less). I liked hearing people tell me I was good (probably because I wasn't so sure of it myself). Anyway, I'd been working my tail off and no one had said anything. Really not what I had expected. I thought that June Clever was so happy because she was great and her family all told each other all the time how great they were.
Well, based on all of this, I decided it would be wise to talk to my husband about all of this, calmly of course. I shared my frustration that the things I was doing for our family weren't being recognized, I think I even said "why do I bother cleaning the shower if no one even notices?!?" (I'm a bit dramatic at times too...) My husband listened to my rant and did his best to calm me down - it didn't really work because I was totally committed to being in this tizzy.
Turns out my question was exactly the one to ask myself. I had been spending my time making my home spotless (or my best equivalent to that) for people who didn't really care if it was spotless. I was making it spotless so that in case someone who did care if it was spotless were to come by, they could approve of the manner in which I kept house. Silly! This was finally the time that I realized the reason I was home was to care for my FAMILY. Caring for them was more than just cooking and cleaning. It was being there to talk with them and support them. I realized that I was there to nurture my children, love them and teach them how to find happiness and joy in all they choose in this life. My relationship with my husband is about listening to one another, loving each other and doing what we can to bless one another. No where on this list was a clean shower floor, or a five star meal.
This is the point that I decided that to have an unswept floor wouldn't kill me. Dishes in the sink will not end the world, and eating out when I'm unable to find it in me to cook a meal myself will provide nourishment for my children to grow into adults. This was a big deal for me to give myself a break.
It's also important for me to share with you that I feel much more peace in my life when my home is in order. When I can see the floor and I've cooked a meal for my family, I feel peace in my heart and I feel good about myself. I also know that there are times that my laundry will be piled up and the sheets on the bed need to be changed. My opportunity now is to have peace in my heart no matter what the situation is.
Lessons on Life from Parenting
This is a topic that many people know lots about. What I offer here is something that made a profound impact on my own life. Also, to be honest, I'm being a bit selfish. You see, I find that as I voice my epiphanies, it tends to lead to more.
One of my struggles in life is feeling validated by those I'm in relationship with. My parents, siblings, friends, spouse, co-workers, the list goes on and on. Since my marriage, I stopped working outside the home and have had the opportunity to concentrate on being a wife and mother full-time. What I just recently realized is that it also gave me the opportunity to be me full-time. And by me, I don't mean me the employee, the manager, the socializer, the life of the party, or even me the fixer. I've had a chance to be me like never before and it opened my eyes a lot. Like the fact that when I'm me I generally have to know my own value.
Knowing my own value was a pretty foreign concept. As I shared previously, I based so much of my life on lists - and let's be clear - it was other people's lists. So, here I sat, a full-time wife and mom with out any clearly defined lists of what that looked like. There were some sketchy thoughts, some things I grew up with and liked were on my list. As well as items I knew I never wanted to have on the list. My husband was also happy to add things to the list based on his upbringing. The major issue with that is that I didn't want him to tell me what to do. In some ways I feel so bad for this sweet man...He wasn't supposed to tell me what to do and yet I looked to him for validation.
He's never been a stay at home wife or mother (and I'm pretty sure he couldn't ever be since he's a man) and really doesn't know what is involved with this sort of thing. I couldn't accurately share with him what all was/is involved with my day to day activities as a wife and mother. And that doesn't even touch on the part of realizing who I am...So, here's this guy who doesn't know what he's validating, how to validate it and maybe even why he's been asked to validate anything. The man did his best and it never felt like enough to me.
I was frustrated because he really didn't "get" what I did all day. He had no idea how much work it is to be available for kids 24/7/365. The laundry, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, shopping, cooking...you get the idea, right? And then if he ever mentioned anything about any of those things, no matter how innocent it might be, I would get so angry. (Truly, I am so thankful that this man stuck by me while I learned this lesson.)
So, as is happened, I was awake in the middle of the night one night. As I lay there unable to sleep, I was reviewing my life over the previous few days. I remembered an interaction with my 2 1/2 year old daughter - so sweet and tender. I recalled things my 11 year old son had said - kind and loving. Then I recalled how my 12 1/2 year old son was comfortable having his mom in the room during a physical. I thought about that for a while, feeling so blessed that this young man loves and trusts me and feels comfortable with me around him. That's when it finally hit me. All of these things were possible because of this man I married. Because I knew that the day to day things in life are always taken care of, I can focus on being the best mom I can be. Instead of spending 40-60 hours a week working for a company to improve their processes, I am able to spend my life improving my skills as a wife, mother, person and friend.
This realization gave me so much gratitude for this man - my heart was over flowing with love (and as I write this now, I feel it all again). I got out of bed and went to the computer to write him a note, thanking him for all he does. I also asked that he keep that note handy so that when I don't tell him often enough how much I love and appreciate him, he can refer to the note and know that I love him deeply and I'm so grateful to him.
So, it must have been the next day that I got the coolest part of this lesson. I was going about my day and when I would have normally wanted that validation, there wasn't anything of the sort in my feelings. As I looked at the whole situation, what I came up with is that as I was able to accurately see what I do, combined with the fact that I am able to do it because of the loving support of my husband, and that I could feel so much love and gratitude for that support, I no longer required validation from anyone else. I became enough in that moment.
And maybe the bigger thing is that I became enough for me.
One of my struggles in life is feeling validated by those I'm in relationship with. My parents, siblings, friends, spouse, co-workers, the list goes on and on. Since my marriage, I stopped working outside the home and have had the opportunity to concentrate on being a wife and mother full-time. What I just recently realized is that it also gave me the opportunity to be me full-time. And by me, I don't mean me the employee, the manager, the socializer, the life of the party, or even me the fixer. I've had a chance to be me like never before and it opened my eyes a lot. Like the fact that when I'm me I generally have to know my own value.
Knowing my own value was a pretty foreign concept. As I shared previously, I based so much of my life on lists - and let's be clear - it was other people's lists. So, here I sat, a full-time wife and mom with out any clearly defined lists of what that looked like. There were some sketchy thoughts, some things I grew up with and liked were on my list. As well as items I knew I never wanted to have on the list. My husband was also happy to add things to the list based on his upbringing. The major issue with that is that I didn't want him to tell me what to do. In some ways I feel so bad for this sweet man...He wasn't supposed to tell me what to do and yet I looked to him for validation.
He's never been a stay at home wife or mother (and I'm pretty sure he couldn't ever be since he's a man) and really doesn't know what is involved with this sort of thing. I couldn't accurately share with him what all was/is involved with my day to day activities as a wife and mother. And that doesn't even touch on the part of realizing who I am...So, here's this guy who doesn't know what he's validating, how to validate it and maybe even why he's been asked to validate anything. The man did his best and it never felt like enough to me.
I was frustrated because he really didn't "get" what I did all day. He had no idea how much work it is to be available for kids 24/7/365. The laundry, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, shopping, cooking...you get the idea, right? And then if he ever mentioned anything about any of those things, no matter how innocent it might be, I would get so angry. (Truly, I am so thankful that this man stuck by me while I learned this lesson.)
So, as is happened, I was awake in the middle of the night one night. As I lay there unable to sleep, I was reviewing my life over the previous few days. I remembered an interaction with my 2 1/2 year old daughter - so sweet and tender. I recalled things my 11 year old son had said - kind and loving. Then I recalled how my 12 1/2 year old son was comfortable having his mom in the room during a physical. I thought about that for a while, feeling so blessed that this young man loves and trusts me and feels comfortable with me around him. That's when it finally hit me. All of these things were possible because of this man I married. Because I knew that the day to day things in life are always taken care of, I can focus on being the best mom I can be. Instead of spending 40-60 hours a week working for a company to improve their processes, I am able to spend my life improving my skills as a wife, mother, person and friend.
This realization gave me so much gratitude for this man - my heart was over flowing with love (and as I write this now, I feel it all again). I got out of bed and went to the computer to write him a note, thanking him for all he does. I also asked that he keep that note handy so that when I don't tell him often enough how much I love and appreciate him, he can refer to the note and know that I love him deeply and I'm so grateful to him.
So, it must have been the next day that I got the coolest part of this lesson. I was going about my day and when I would have normally wanted that validation, there wasn't anything of the sort in my feelings. As I looked at the whole situation, what I came up with is that as I was able to accurately see what I do, combined with the fact that I am able to do it because of the loving support of my husband, and that I could feel so much love and gratitude for that support, I no longer required validation from anyone else. I became enough in that moment.
And maybe the bigger thing is that I became enough for me.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
My Life in the Gap
The Gap is the place between where my body currently resides and the place that my consciousness wants to be (or maybe even is at times). So much of live is learning as we go and playing it by ear. None of us came here with an instruction manual or even a set of cliff notes to make it easier to prepare for the test.
Almost every day I can see clearly the difference in what I know from my experience in this life and what I know from my spirit. My spirit has access to so much more knowledge and information than 'ought' to be available. What I find most compelling is that when I tune in to that part of me, the part of me that knows things that there's no reason I should know, the part of me that 'sees' what someone else is experiencing, I have the biggest break through. I know myself, life and situations better. When I listen to the impossible, life becomes more...more enjoyable, more real, more reliable, more possible.
That seems plain crazy and yet it's been my reality. One that I'm learning to live within and learning to love.
The greatest challenge for me in all of this is allowing myself the opportunity to do something new, different, untested...I have always lived my life by lists.
Lists I make for myself to ensure I'm getting everything done. Lists given to me by parents, friends, teachers, religious leaders, children, spouses, etc. Lists were my life because by a list I could easily measure my success. And man, did I want to be successful. Not only successful, but to KNOW that I was successful and to be able to quantify it to others. This was so that if someone were to come up to me and say "you're NOT successful," I would easily have proof that I was and the list to back up why. What I finally realized after years of living in a list, is that none of these lists where ever mine and that and in the end I wasn't any happier living these lists. Their lists alwasys left me wanting. Something was missing for me...probably me!
So, now my life is living in the gap. This provides very little peace for the part of me that craves success. This causes parts of me to cry out and almost beg for just one more list. This also grants me the chance to grow and trust myself every day, many, many times. Because I'm the one making this up. I'm the only one that knows what's happening, and honestly, there are many times that I wonder how true that statement might even be. Right now, it's important for me to tell you I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. Hands down, no doubt about it! I guess the lesson here is trust you, since you're the only one...
Almost every day I can see clearly the difference in what I know from my experience in this life and what I know from my spirit. My spirit has access to so much more knowledge and information than 'ought' to be available. What I find most compelling is that when I tune in to that part of me, the part of me that knows things that there's no reason I should know, the part of me that 'sees' what someone else is experiencing, I have the biggest break through. I know myself, life and situations better. When I listen to the impossible, life becomes more...more enjoyable, more real, more reliable, more possible.
That seems plain crazy and yet it's been my reality. One that I'm learning to live within and learning to love.
The greatest challenge for me in all of this is allowing myself the opportunity to do something new, different, untested...I have always lived my life by lists.
Lists I make for myself to ensure I'm getting everything done. Lists given to me by parents, friends, teachers, religious leaders, children, spouses, etc. Lists were my life because by a list I could easily measure my success. And man, did I want to be successful. Not only successful, but to KNOW that I was successful and to be able to quantify it to others. This was so that if someone were to come up to me and say "you're NOT successful," I would easily have proof that I was and the list to back up why. What I finally realized after years of living in a list, is that none of these lists where ever mine and that and in the end I wasn't any happier living these lists. Their lists alwasys left me wanting. Something was missing for me...probably me!
So, now my life is living in the gap. This provides very little peace for the part of me that craves success. This causes parts of me to cry out and almost beg for just one more list. This also grants me the chance to grow and trust myself every day, many, many times. Because I'm the one making this up. I'm the only one that knows what's happening, and honestly, there are many times that I wonder how true that statement might even be. Right now, it's important for me to tell you I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. Hands down, no doubt about it! I guess the lesson here is trust you, since you're the only one...
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