This is a topic that many people know lots about. What I offer here is something that made a profound impact on my own life. Also, to be honest, I'm being a bit selfish. You see, I find that as I voice my epiphanies, it tends to lead to more.
One of my struggles in life is feeling validated by those I'm in relationship with. My parents, siblings, friends, spouse, co-workers, the list goes on and on. Since my marriage, I stopped working outside the home and have had the opportunity to concentrate on being a wife and mother full-time. What I just recently realized is that it also gave me the opportunity to be me full-time. And by me, I don't mean me the employee, the manager, the socializer, the life of the party, or even me the fixer. I've had a chance to be me like never before and it opened my eyes a lot. Like the fact that when I'm me I generally have to know my own value.
Knowing my own value was a pretty foreign concept. As I shared previously, I based so much of my life on lists - and let's be clear - it was other people's lists. So, here I sat, a full-time wife and mom with out any clearly defined lists of what that looked like. There were some sketchy thoughts, some things I grew up with and liked were on my list. As well as items I knew I never wanted to have on the list. My husband was also happy to add things to the list based on his upbringing. The major issue with that is that I didn't want him to tell me what to do. In some ways I feel so bad for this sweet man...He wasn't supposed to tell me what to do and yet I looked to him for validation.
He's never been a stay at home wife or mother (and I'm pretty sure he couldn't ever be since he's a man) and really doesn't know what is involved with this sort of thing. I couldn't accurately share with him what all was/is involved with my day to day activities as a wife and mother. And that doesn't even touch on the part of realizing who I am...So, here's this guy who doesn't know what he's validating, how to validate it and maybe even why he's been asked to validate anything. The man did his best and it never felt like enough to me.
I was frustrated because he really didn't "get" what I did all day. He had no idea how much work it is to be available for kids 24/7/365. The laundry, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, shopping, cooking...you get the idea, right? And then if he ever mentioned anything about any of those things, no matter how innocent it might be, I would get so angry. (Truly, I am so thankful that this man stuck by me while I learned this lesson.)
So, as is happened, I was awake in the middle of the night one night. As I lay there unable to sleep, I was reviewing my life over the previous few days. I remembered an interaction with my 2 1/2 year old daughter - so sweet and tender. I recalled things my 11 year old son had said - kind and loving. Then I recalled how my 12 1/2 year old son was comfortable having his mom in the room during a physical. I thought about that for a while, feeling so blessed that this young man loves and trusts me and feels comfortable with me around him. That's when it finally hit me. All of these things were possible because of this man I married. Because I knew that the day to day things in life are always taken care of, I can focus on being the best mom I can be. Instead of spending 40-60 hours a week working for a company to improve their processes, I am able to spend my life improving my skills as a wife, mother, person and friend.
This realization gave me so much gratitude for this man - my heart was over flowing with love (and as I write this now, I feel it all again). I got out of bed and went to the computer to write him a note, thanking him for all he does. I also asked that he keep that note handy so that when I don't tell him often enough how much I love and appreciate him, he can refer to the note and know that I love him deeply and I'm so grateful to him.
So, it must have been the next day that I got the coolest part of this lesson. I was going about my day and when I would have normally wanted that validation, there wasn't anything of the sort in my feelings. As I looked at the whole situation, what I came up with is that as I was able to accurately see what I do, combined with the fact that I am able to do it because of the loving support of my husband, and that I could feel so much love and gratitude for that support, I no longer required validation from anyone else. I became enough in that moment.
And maybe the bigger thing is that I became enough for me.
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